I found myself embracing motherhood later than I had planned. It wasn’t a decision I made willingly. I had always envisioned a life where I would marry and start a family in my twenties. However, life in the bustling streets of New York City, along with grad school, marriage, and a subsequent divorce, shifted my timeline. Before I knew it, I was thirty-eight.
Like many women in my situation, the journey to pregnancy involved more visits to the doctor than romantic moments at home. The day I discovered I was expecting sparked an overwhelming desire within me to ensure my child had the very best life possible. This meant acquiring the safest crib, selecting the highest-rated pediatrician, choosing a top preschool, and opting for the most organic baby food available. Ironically, one of the best choices I made for my child’s future was simply waiting until my late thirties to have him.
My husband was also no spring chicken at the time of our son’s arrival. At 46, he found himself in a different phase of life compared to most of his friends, who were teaching their teens to drive and preparing for college tours while he was knee-deep in diapers and toddler games. He reassured me when I voiced my concerns about our son having older parents someday. “It’s all good,” he said. “Lots of guys my age are starting families, especially with their second or third wives.”
What we didn’t realize was that we were joining a growing trend, as noted in a New York Times article. In larger coastal cities like New York and San Francisco, first-time moms are nearly a decade older than those in rural areas and the South.
I can attest to this trend through my own experiences. My husband and I began trying to conceive in New York but became parents after relocating to the South for work. In New York, babies were just starting to appear among my circle of mid-thirties friends, most of whom were pursuing advanced degrees and climbing corporate ladders. Our discussions during happy hours revolved around careers, relationships, and the latest fitness classes; topics like diapers and daycare were far from our minds.
It’s not hard to understand that children born to older parents often experience better upward mobility and are more likely to have their college education funded. Additionally, these mothers tend to earn more and share household responsibilities more equitably with their partners. However, what statistics often overlook is how society perceives older mothers. In America, older moms are sometimes viewed as unconventional.
Upon moving to the South, a friend who had twins at 40 gave me sage advice: “When you have kids, just don’t mention your age.” This was to avoid the awkwardness at playgrounds filled with younger moms. I recalled this advice when I bumped into a colleague in the restroom, who mentioned a friend having a baby at 40. “Can you believe it?” she scoffed. I touched my barely noticeable baby bump, attempting to feign shock.
During my pregnancy, I attended a brunch organized for new and expecting mothers in my neighborhood, hoping to make connections. Being a recent New Yorker, I had yet to establish any local friendships. I quickly realized I was the oldest in the group; one mother beside me looked barely old enough to legally enjoy her Bellini. She recounted a humorous incident from a New York trip, where others mistook her for a nanny while strolling with her kids. I forced a laugh.
Initially, I dismissed the group, but when my baby was two weeks old, the craving for adult interaction prompted me to reach out again. Two women, both new moms, responded. My first outing was with a 27-year-old who spent much of our walk lamenting how difficult it was to convince her husband to start a family. “I didn’t want to be an old mom,” she sighed, scrolling her phone. “But here I am.” She paused, looking at me, “So, how old are you?”
The second mom was more relatable. Having lived in New York, she wasn’t bound by conventional timelines. Yet, it took us three months of walks in the park together before I felt comfortable sharing my age with her. I even faked a cough to cover my nerves, unsure if she even heard my confession.
In light of the New York Times findings, it’s encouraging to know my age may benefit my son’s future. I’m more established in my career and financially stable, allowing me to provide him with experiences I missed out on growing up with younger parents. When daycare calls about a sick child, I don’t worry about being perceived as uncommitted to my job. Most importantly, I have grown comfortable in my own skin. I can’t imagine raising a child while still figuring out my own identity.
While I’ve embraced my status as an older mom, and though data may suggest otherwise, there’s no single right way to approach motherhood. Each journey is unique, and ultimately, we all desire one thing for our children: the best life possible.
For further insights into the journey of motherhood, check out our other blog posts about home insemination or explore resources on intrauterine insemination. For those considering the options available for parenthood, Make a Mom offers valuable information on home insemination kits.
Summary:
Becoming a mother later in life can be a unique and fulfilling journey. While societal perceptions may label older moms as unconventional, many benefits accompany this choice, including greater financial stability and life experience. Embracing one’s age and journey is essential, as every mother ultimately strives for the best for their children, regardless of when they choose to become parents.