Not long ago, I dropped off my 17-year-old son, Max, at an electronic music festival—a ticket he eagerly purchased with his own hard-earned money from last summer’s job. He was going solo since none of his friends share his taste in music. I offered to accompany him, but he politely declined, preferring to experience the night without his 43-year-old mother tagging along.
The discussion I had with Max about drugs and alcohol was a far cry from the “just say no” message I received back in the late ’80s. My advice to him was more along the lines of: “You might encounter some cannabis or other substances; don’t be shocked if you do. If anything makes you uneasy, find a security staff member. Since you’re on your own, now isn’t the best time to experiment, but if things get complicated, just send me a text. We’ll sort it out together.”
That conversation made me anxious. But the thought of him feeling troubled, isolated, or worried about my reaction was even more terrifying.
It reminded me of the recent talk we had about driving (more like a lecture on my part): “Look, you will likely get into an accident at some point. I’ve got insurance to fix the car and to make sure you’re taken care of. I might worry, but I won’t be shocked when it happens—I was a teenager once, too. Whatever you do, don’t run away from the situation. Stay engaged and talk to me. We’ll handle it together.”
I’m beginning to understand that parenting is less about preventing our children from making mistakes and more about preparing them to recover from those inevitable missteps. Our role isn’t to shield them from life’s challenges but to teach them resilience. To help them learn how to stumble without losing their way, showing them our unconditional love even when they reveal their scars.
And I must also remember to be kind to myself when I stumble and fall short in my parenting journey.
Perhaps our greatest task is simply to remain present—for them and for ourselves. To love them as they are.
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In summary, the way we communicate about drugs and life challenges has shifted significantly since the ’80s. It’s essential to foster open dialogues with our children, emphasizing support rather than fear, and to embrace the messy nature of parenting.