Navigating the Journey of Parenthood
I am a non-biological mother to my three wonderful children. During my partner’s pregnancy with our first child, I felt a strong bond even before her arrival. I could feel her movements through the gentle touches on my partner’s growing belly. I sang and spoke to her throughout those months, and even before meeting her, I felt an immense love and a fierce protective instinct. From the moment I held her, I knew I was meant to be her mom. Our connection was instantaneous and beautiful.
However, when it came time for our twins to arrive, I anticipated the same joy and ease—but motherhood did not feel as instinctive the second time around. The dynamics shifted, and the moment my partner welcomed our twins was not filled with that initial rush of love I had experienced with my first child.
The second pregnancy was marked by a loss of innocence regarding parenting. I was juggling a toddler and felt the weight of exhaustion bearing down on me. While I eagerly anticipated becoming a mother again, the reality of having two infants added complexity. I engaged with the twins in utero, poking at their tiny feet and attending prenatal appointments, yet I worried how I would balance my love and attention between three children. But readiness doesn’t always equate to an emotional connection.
When my son and daughter entered the world, I was overwhelmed with joy but also felt somewhat detached. It was a mix of happiness and fatigue, and for the first year, that bond felt like a struggle. Caring for them sometimes felt like a series of tasks—feeding, changing, and holding—rather than a natural instinct. I wrestled with feelings of guilt over not fostering a deeper connection with my babies.
There were several factors that may have contributed to this disconnection. For one, my attention was divided due to our older child. Additionally, the day we brought the twins home coincided with our move to a new house, leaving me feeling chaotic and drained. I had placed unrealistic expectations on myself.
I often found myself frustrated. My first child had been relatively easy, while my twins were more demanding and fussy, which sometimes made it hard to feel warmth toward them. Although I loved them deeply, my fondness didn’t always match my commitment to their care. I changed diapers, attended to nighttime feedings, and tackled the laundry, hoping that the emotional connection would eventually follow suit.
Then, one day, my daughter flashed me a radiant smile. It sounds cliché, but this moment transformed everything. This child, who often seemed unhappy, revealed a joyful side that melted my heart. Her dimples brought forth a connection I had been yearning for.
Similarly, when my son fell ill with the coxsackie virus, I found myself cradling him, yearning for him to find comfort. As he nestled against me, I realized I had been the source of solace he needed.
Even though I struggled to bond with my twins initially, it didn’t negate my ability to be a loving mother. My love for them was slower to develop, but it was real, growing from within me. It was okay that it took time.
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Summary
Motherhood can be a challenging journey, especially when expectations don’t match reality. The author shares her experience of feeling an instant bond with her first child, contrasted with the struggles of connecting with her twins. Factors such as exhaustion, moving homes, and the demands of a toddler contributed to her feelings of detachment. Yet, moments of joy and connection eventually emerged. Love can grow even when it doesn’t come naturally at first.