I can hear my children bickering loudly upstairs. It might escalate into a full-blown fight, given the sounds of thumping and crashing. This situation usually leads to one of two outcomes: either a child will come racing down the stairs, crying out, “Mooooom!” or they will resolve the issue themselves.
Fortunately, they often choose the latter, restoring peace as quickly as it was disrupted. The hardest part for me is resisting the urge to intervene and trusting in their capacity to solve their problems independently. More often than not, stepping back is the best choice I can make.
Let’s be honest, my kids do tattle on each other from time to time (because, well, they’re kids). However, they frequently manage to resolve their own disputes. They’ve learned that I’m not eager to jump in and fix everything for them. Even when they come to me seeking mediation, I often respond with a casual, “Figure it out.” They might complain about it, but they eventually do just that, understanding that I’m not going to take on the burden of resolving everything for them.
As a parent, my role is to provide guidance. But “guidance” doesn’t mean doing everything for them. It’s about nudging them in the right direction when they need it, rather than carrying them down a path that I believe is right.
I don’t dictate what my children should play with, who they should play with, what they should draw, what they should wear, or what they should eat for lunch. These are decisions they’re capable of making, so why not let them? Learning is not a passive process; it comes from trial and error, success and failure, and personal experience. If I continually step in before they have a chance to try things on their own, I risk hindering their growth – even if I have the best intentions. I won’t always be around to help them, and it’s essential to prepare them to handle situations independently.
Think of it like tying your child’s shoes every day, even when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. If I do that, they will come to expect my help and won’t know how to do it on their own. One day, while playing on the playground, when their shoelaces come undone, they might feel embarrassed for not knowing how to tie them. Cue the pointing, laughter, and potential bullying. Yikes!
Okay, perhaps I’m being a bit overdramatic, but the essence remains: when I loosen my grip, everyone benefits. My kids gain a sense of autonomy and self-confidence, knowing they can handle challenges, while I don’t have to dote on every detail of their lives. I can save time by allowing them to manage tasks they are capable of, and they don’t have to deal with my constant hovering.
This doesn’t mean I completely check out and leave them to their own devices in dangerous situations. I must carefully assess whether my involvement is genuinely necessary for safety, or if it’s just my instinct to hover and my belief that “I know best.” If it’s the latter, I choose to step back. Less involvement means more opportunities for my children to grow.
It can be challenging to let them learn through sometimes messy and difficult experiences, especially for those of us who prefer control (not that I’m familiar with being controlling… ahem). It can be nerve-wracking, but my role as a parent is not to prioritize my comfort or ease. Instead, I’m here to ensure my children have the chance to experience life – even the rocky parts – firsthand. This is the greatest gift I can offer them, even if it may not seem like one while I sit on the couch, minding my own business, as they learn how to navigate their world.
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Summary:
Encouraging children to solve their own problems fosters independence and self-confidence. As parents, stepping back can be challenging, but it is essential for their growth. By allowing kids to make their own decisions, we prepare them for life’s challenges and teach them valuable lessons in resilience.