In my early twenties, I had a friend named Jessica. She was bold, hilarious, and always clued in on everything from where to grab the best tacos at 2 a.m. to which local band had opened for a major act back in the day. She was truly one of a kind.
One evening, while enjoying a night out, a charming guy strolled by but chose to engage with a woman who fit the traditional mold of attractiveness—long blond hair and a revealing outfit. As I watched them share laughs, Jessica erupted into a harsh critique of the woman’s appearance and perceived intelligence. I was baffled. All this woman had done was dress up to meet someone, just like we both would have done. “Why are you directing your frustration at her?” I asked. “Shouldn’t you be upset with him for not seeing you?”
My words fell on deaf ears. Jessica continued her tirade against the unknown woman, and this wasn’t an isolated incident. Another friend of mine was nearing graduation from a prestigious business school when she overheard a classmate mocking her interview attire and makeup, declaring, “She’ll never get the job.” Then there was that time a guy I was dating said he could never work for a woman, and shockingly, several women around us nodded in agreement.
Fast forward to today: the women I knew back then are now in their thirties, many juggling the roles of wives and mothers. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed the same pattern of judgment and criticism that plagued our younger years. However, the focus has shifted from dating and careers to parenting choices: working versus staying at home, breastfeeding versus formula feeding, co-sleeping versus sleep training.
This ongoing conflict among women, though appearing in a different context, is still very much alive. It’s crucial to recognize that not all mothers engage in this competitive mindset, just as not every young woman was catty at bars. Yet, with the rampant discussions surrounding “mommy wars” and the negativity surrounding motherhood, it’s time for a change. If we want to foster a supportive environment among mothers, we must start with our daughters.
We need to instill in them the importance of female friendships, whether they’re little girls painting together or tweens laughing at sleepovers. We should correct them if they ever call another girl “ugly” or “fat” and encourage them to cheer for their friends at sports events. It’s essential to turn off television shows that promote female disrespect.
Moreover, we need to reflect on our own behavior. Our daughters are watching. They hear when we use derogatory terms for other women or critique a mother breastfeeding in public. They notice our reactions when we lend a hand to a struggling mom or roll our eyes in judgment. They absorb our comments about women in leadership roles, and they see the unspoken wars we fight amongst ourselves.
We don’t have to perpetuate the “mean girl” mentality from our past. By teaching our daughters to see other girls as allies rather than adversaries, we can cultivate a generation of women who uplift one another when they become mothers. With the right support and guidance, the so-called “mommy wars” may one day be viewed as a relic of the past—something amusing they read about in old blogs or sociology classes, akin to outdated technology like flip phones.
As for that woman who caught Jessica’s attention at the bar, she is likely a mom herself now. Perhaps she also experiences the challenges of motherhood, hiding in the bathroom with a tub of ice cream during a toddler meltdown. And for her, I genuinely wish all the best.
In summary, let’s shift our focus from competition to collaboration among women. By fostering a supportive atmosphere from a young age, we can create a future where women stand together rather than tear each other down.
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