My partner, Sarah, is definitely a night owl—or at least that’s what I believe. To be honest, I can’t even recall the last time I knew when she actually goes to bed. It might be midnight, or perhaps it’s 4 a.m.; either way, I’m usually fast asleep by then.
For a long time, I believed she stayed up late to carve out some “me time.” I initially found this concept puzzling until she explained how our kids cling to her throughout the day. Now I get it. She also enjoys using the quiet hours to indulge in a movie that doesn’t feature animated characters or dive into a book without illustrations—all while the house is peaceful and free of requests for juice boxes.
In stark contrast, I have become an early riser who cherishes going to bed early. This wasn’t always the case; early in our marriage, I worked as a waiter, often returning home well after she had already turned in for the night. Fast forward nearly 14 years, and I now tuck myself in by 10 p.m. and rise around 5:30 or 6 a.m. My early mornings are motivated by a similar desire for personal time, enabling me to engage in activities I love. Thankfully, our kids have grown older and can manage their own breakfast and TV time, so we no longer face early wake-up calls.
Ultimately, our routine has settled into a rhythm: around 9:50 p.m., I give Sarah a kiss and bid her goodnight. In the morning, I kiss her forehead as she sleeps.
I can only assume there are other parents navigating similar opposing schedules. It seems that once you become a dad, rising early becomes second nature. I suspect the same may apply to mothers too. I once penned an article discussing Sarah’s late-night habits for another publication, and it garnered a plethora of comments from moms echoing similar sentiments about needing that late-night solitude.
The Impact on Our Relationship
The pressing question is: how does this dynamic affect our relationship?
Honestly, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. We used to share the same bedtime, snuggling and chatting as we drifted off together. I genuinely miss those moments, which have become rare over the years. I also long for the mornings when we would wake up side by side, although this still sometimes occurs when Sarah has an early commitment. We’ve had our share of disagreements; I struggled to grasp her need for late nights, and she didn’t quite understand my early bedtime.
Anyone in a relationship with mismatched sleep schedules knows the feeling of being like two colleagues passing each other in the office. There are still times when tensions flare. Unless the kids are unwell or there’s a true emergency, I’m heading to bed at 10 p.m. without fail. Sometimes Sarah wishes I’d stay up longer to share time with her, and occasionally I oblige, but usually, sleep wins out.
Conversely, there are mornings when I would love for her to rise earlier and enjoy the day with me, but she too values her sleep.
For the most part, we’ve struck a workable balance. I relish my morning writing sessions, while she enjoys her nighttime alone time, and we find opportunities to connect in between. On weekends, I let her sleep in as much as she desires, while she allows me to retire early. Throughout the day, we make time for each other—going on dates, chatting on the phone, and even sending each other flowers and affectionate texts. Despite our differing schedules, we’ve managed to find ways to nurture our relationship.
So, if one partner is drifting off early while the other is awake late, know that you’re not alone. This situation is quite common. The secret to making it work is how you utilize the time you have together in between.
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Summary
In relationships where partners have opposing sleep schedules, understanding and compromise are key. Despite challenges, couples can find ways to maintain connection and intimacy through effective communication and shared moments throughout the day.