Not long after my first child arrived, I learned from a friend that our pre-parenting group was heading out for dinner without extending an invite to me or my partner. The feeling of being excluded was disheartening. I understood, on some level, that parenthood had reshaped my life—my time was now divided in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Spontaneous outings became sources of stress rather than excitement, and socializing often meant finding a babysitter or deciding who would stay home.
My friends certainly didn’t intend to hurt my feelings, but the change in our dynamic was painful. They didn’t want to impose unrealistic expectations on our friendship, yet I craved to be included. Their reluctance to invite me stemmed from a fear of disappointment when I would inevitably decline, yet I still longed for that invitation.
These emotions were echoes of a past that reminded me of middle and high school. I had a few close friends, but there were always groups that made you feel unworthy of their company. I would hear about outings to the mall or parties, and it felt especially isolating when I was home alone while others had fun without me.
Sometimes, my kids come home from school with tales of being excluded by classmates. My instinct is to protect them fiercely. I suppress my initial thoughts of “Who did this to you?!” and instead, I seek to understand the situation. I ask my five-year-old twins and my sensitive seven-year-old for details. I also consider whether my kids played a part in their own exclusion. They’re not perfect, and I recognize that their behavior can sometimes lead to being left out.
These incidents at school are often innocent, a rite of passage that all children and adults face. If my child happens to be left out today, they may find themselves in a similar position someday. Life isn’t always fair, and not everyone will be friends with everyone else.
When my oldest daughter shares that her best friend has chosen not to play with her because another girl said so, my heart aches for her. I remind her that feeling upset is valid and that I don’t know why her friend made that choice. I agree that it’s a tough situation and tell her it may simply be that her friend wanted to play with someone else.
“But Mom, I would have included the girl she wanted to play with!” Her frustration is palpable, and I empathize with her confusion. We often discuss the importance of being an upstander, but in this instance, no one intervened when her friendship was openly denied. It’s a hard lesson when you’re trying to teach inclusion, respect, and kindness, and others don’t reciprocate.
I responded, “Maybe they just wanted some one-on-one time. That could be the reason. They should have communicated it better, though. I’m sure they’ll want to play with you tomorrow.” I felt like a character out of a children’s show, but my daughter seemed somewhat comforted by my words. I understood that her confidence had taken a hit. It’s essential to teach our kids that repeated exclusion or bullying can affect their self-esteem. I praised her for seeking out another friend to play with, which can be a difficult choice.
Finding the right balance is challenging. We want our children to be kind and inclusive while allowing them to make decisions that are right for them, even if those choices come off as selfish. I wish for my kids to trust their instincts while being mindful of others’ feelings.
Over time, I’ve come to terms (mostly) with not being included in every gathering or conversation. I’m learning that one event or person doesn’t diminish the strength of my friendships. Similarly, the time I spend with one friend doesn’t lessen my affection for another.
As I work on imparting these lessons to my children, I realize that feeling excluded and forgotten is a part of being human. We may face logical explanations or irrational feelings, but it’s crucial to learn how to move on from these experiences. For additional insights on building relationships and navigating these emotions, consider checking out this resource.
In summary, managing feelings of exclusion is a shared experience for both kids and adults, but with understanding and communication, we can help our children navigate these complexities.