A close friend recently shared her pregnancy news. It’s her first child, and though she’s in the early stages, her excitement was palpable. I watched her eyes sparkle as she recounted how she discovered she was expecting, described her morning sickness, and shared her unusual cravings, along with her first ultrasound experience.
For the first time in a while, I didn’t feel overwhelming sadness regarding my own pregnancy losses. Instead, I felt a wave of melancholy wash over me as I realized that my own innocence about pregnancy is forever lost. I’ll never feel the same level of joy and anticipation about another pregnancy again.
I would give anything to reclaim that naivety.
When I was pregnant with my son, everything felt effortless. We conceived on our first attempt and I truly enjoyed every moment of it. Sure, there were times of discomfort and fatigue, but I reveled in showcasing my baby bump. I felt empowered and proud. I couldn’t wait to announce my pregnancy to friends at just eight weeks. I shared bump photos and discussed my experiences endlessly. I was glued to the What to Expect app, eagerly awaiting weekly updates and fruit comparisons.
My biggest worry back then? Choosing a paint color for the nursery.
Now, I find myself grappling with loss. I see people announcing their pregnancies on social media the moment they reach their second trimester, often before their 20-week anatomy scan. I watch as children proudly sport “Big Brother” and “Big Sister” shirts, holding ultrasound pictures and grinning ear to ear. But what will these families say if they face heartache? I see parents bringing their little ones to ultrasound appointments, and I can’t help but wonder how they would cope if the news turns devastating.
My perspective has shifted dramatically. After experiencing a miscarriage at 10 weeks and a termination at 18 weeks due to a grave prenatal diagnosis, I’ve come to understand that there is no truly safe stage.
My therapist has told me that the fear I feel during future pregnancies will always be there, and if we decide to try again, I’ll need to learn to navigate alongside that fear. While I appreciate his insight, it feels unfair that this is now my reality.
I long to feel that excitement again. I want my face to light up, bursting with joy and anticipation. I want to reclaim the innocence that was taken from me.
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