Parenting Insights
By Morgan Reed
Updated: July 27, 2018
Originally Published: July 27, 2018
Just last week, I bumped into my dear friend and colleague, Lisa, in the parking lot of the preschool our children attend.
“Hey! Is that a new car?” I inquired.
“No, I was in an accident,” she replied.
“Oh my goodness! Why didn’t you mention it?”
“Because I don’t want to be a downer.”
“Hold on… You were in a full-blown accident and didn’t say a word?”
“I’m just having a rough week. I snapped at the kids yesterday for no reason, and again this morning. I feel like I’m failing at everything…”
I could see the stress unraveling her, a familiar feeling for many of us. Yet, she held back tears. Lisa had taken a mental health day because life’s pressures had become overwhelming. From losing her cool on her boys to feeling frustrated with her partner and doubting her life choices, she needed a break to binge-watch her favorite shows. Standing there in the chilly morning air, I listened as she spiraled into self-doubt, a ritual I’ve witnessed among my friends, family, and even myself.
I looked for a chance to intervene. “It’s just an off week, that’s all. It doesn’t define you as a mother or a wife or a person. We all have days when we feel defeated. Last week, I felt the same; now it’s your turn. It will pass, I promise.”
In essence: “I understand you. I empathize with you. You are loved, and so is your family.”
It’s high time we drop the pretense that motherhood is a flawless journey. Being a mom is a wild ride, chaotic and demanding, and those who think they can effortlessly scale that ladder are in for a surprise. Just surviving the day is often considered a victory.
As mothers, we experience two types of days: the ones when there’s enough milk for breakfast and the days we realize it’s two weeks past expiration after pouring it into the bowl. The days we catch the bus versus those when we end up chasing it. The days when we find both shoes and the days when we can’t find even one. It’s no easy task, and it’s not for the faint of heart, though the role often leaves us feeling weak and exhausted.
In just ten minutes after my kids wake up, I can sense the kind of day ahead. It’s like the air thickening before a storm—yet we don’t show our struggles. We smile and keep pushing our feelings down, convinced that admitting our flaws makes us less of a mother or wife. But that’s simply not true.
I often joke that “God made them cute so you don’t send them back.” In my case, He also made my daughters hilarious, knowing my patience runs thin.
On one particularly tough morning, I broke the mom code and let my guard down. When a colleague asked how my morning was going, I responded, “I’m fine, but I’d like to go on strike against my whole family for a few days.” I saw a spark in her eyes, a moment of honesty breaking through the facade.
“Once, when my kids were little,” she said, “I told my husband my sister needed me and checked into a hotel for the weekend. I just watched TV, shopped, and ate.” We shared a laugh, and I realized how often I missed the chance to invite other mothers to share their stories from the trenches.
In that parking lot, I could sense the internal battle within Lisa. One voice urged her to embrace vulnerability and share her feelings, while another insisted on maintaining a façade of perfection. I know this struggle well—how much to reveal, when to share, and the fear of how it might affect others’ perceptions of my life.
We women are incredibly resourceful. We plan and prepare while juggling countless responsibilities. We make sure everyone is dressed, fed, and out the door. We fill out permission slips and discuss health issues with caregivers. We do it because it’s necessary, but sometimes it feels like we’re being worn down by the weight of it all.
In holistic nursing, there’s a term called Code Violet, which is used to signify when a caregiver is emotionally distressed. They wear a purple bracelet, which helps others show a bit more kindness and understanding. I propose we create our own code—perhaps Code Yellow or Code Brown—to signal when we’re in over our heads. This way, we can offer support to one another in those tough moments.
If you have a perfectly organized household and children who behave all the time, that’s wonderful. But for many of us, it’s easy to feel isolated. We often think we’re the only ones dealing with difficult kids or wishing for a drink after a long day instead of sitting in carpool lines. We hide our struggles while exchanging recipes for healthy snacks.
Imagine if we had a Code Brown. If I saw you staring at the wine aisle with tears in your eyes and noticed your wristband, I might jump in to help with your kids for an hour, no questions asked. And maybe you’d do the same for me when you see me struggling with a tantrum. It would create a network of support rooted in understanding and camaraderie.
So, who’s with me? Let’s break down the stigma surrounding our challenges and choose to support each other. I’m more than happy to keep your kids entertained for a while, and I’m here to listen to your parenting tales, no judgment attached. A mother’s struggle becomes lighter when shared aloud.
Summary:
This article highlights the importance of support among mothers, emphasizing that it’s essential to be open about the challenges of parenting. The shared experiences of motherhood can create a network of empathy and understanding, allowing women to help each other through tough times. By breaking the stigma and admitting our struggles, we foster a sense of community that can alleviate the emotional burdens of motherhood.