“Good morning! Everything feels terrible. Especially you. Seriously, you’re the worst.”
“Ugh, it’s 8 AM already? Where’s my cheeseburger?”
“I can’t stand your outfit. You look like you just rolled out of bed. Why even bother putting on a bra?”
“Hey, have you ever thought about giving yourself bangs? Yes, that’s it! Just a few more snips and you’ll be in tears. Perfect.”
“Want to pick a fight? I could always call your mom.”
“Your family is driving me insane. It’s like they save their worst behavior for when I’m around. The sound of your partner chewing is literally making my ears bleed. And those little ones can’t even dress themselves!”
“Now would be a great time to shout about how unappreciated you are. Do these people think their closets refill themselves with fresh laundry or that the fridge magically fills up with organic groceries?”
“You never let me break anything! You’d feel so much better if you smashed these dishes instead of washing them or threw rocks at passing cars from the porch. Can I at least slam a few doors?”
“Your house is a disaster. If you don’t scrape the burnt food off the stove and clean the door frames and baseboards in the next twenty minutes, I will seriously consider burning the place down.”
“Let’s just run away. Better yet, I’ll get everyone else to leave. But it’s raining outside and they look too cozy to budge. I guess a typical tantrum won’t do the trick this time. Maybe I’ll work up a total meltdown. If you could just choke-sob and hyperventilate into a heap on the floor, that would be super helpful.”
“No, don’t bother showering today. It won’t make a dent in all this self-loathing we’ve got going on.”
“What is wrong with you? Do you have any real problems, you shallow, privileged brat? Every time I see you, you’re just a pitiful mess. Get it together.”
“Am I being rude? Just think about all the poor souls who have to see your face.”
“What exactly is your purpose in life?”
“I thought you were a writer. Why aren’t you creating anything? You’re just sitting there like a total idiot. Oh wait, I see you have an idea. Nope, that’s dumb. Just delete it. You should quit.”
“What do you mean it’s my fault you’re feeling this way? This is just who you are now. It isn’t getting better. The walls of your mind are closing in, and the folks in white coats are coming for you.”
“Wait! Where do you think you’re going? Why are you putting on your running shoes? What is this ‘acupuncture’ appointment on your calendar? Is that a meditation pillow? Do I smell bath salts? Forget this. I’m not sticking around for this nonsense.”
Originally published on June 6, 2015, this piece reflects the chaotic thoughts that often accompany PMS. For more insights on fertility and parenting, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
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