“Don’t be concerned that children don’t listen to you; be worried that they are always observing you.” ~ Robert Fulghum
Recently, I overheard a single father, who identifies as gay, mention that his children are unaware of his sexual orientation. As someone who has spent years advocating for LGBTQ+ awareness, this piqued my interest. I’ve given talks on the importance of being upfront with children about such matters, as it can play a crucial role in combating homophobia and bullying. I wondered why this father’s kids didn’t seem to know.
First, I want to acknowledge the challenges of parenting. It is no easy task, especially for single parents. I recently spent a day at the beach with relatives, one of whom was managing the kids alone for the weekend. I found myself thinking, “I have no idea how single parents manage this.” Throughout the day, he was either helping one child on a boogie board or distracting another from running into the ocean.
As I listened to this father, he talked about his nearly five-year-old son expressing interest in marriage and children. The boy asked, “Why didn’t you get married?” The father replied, “It hasn’t happened for me yet, but I’d love that in the future.” He quickly redirected the conversation. He felt there was no need to discuss his sexuality unless his children explicitly asked.
While I respect every parent’s approach to their children’s upbringing, it’s crucial to consider what messages we may unintentionally send. What led him to change the subject so swiftly?
Earlier this year, while dining with my five nieces and nephews, I noticed a transgender person at the restaurant. A few hours later, while showing them something on my phone, my seven-year-old nephew asked, “What does LGBT mean?” After I explained, they asked about transgender identities. I mentioned the person I’d seen earlier, and they immediately exclaimed, “Oh, Bobby!” I was shocked they recognized the term and concept without prior explanation.
A study by cognitive scientist Andrew Shtulman in 2014 found that children’s belief in Santa Claus diminishes as their intellect develops, regardless of parental attempts to maintain the myth. This intelligence is what allowed my nieces and nephews to comprehend what it means to be transgender even before I labeled it for them.
In the LGBTQ+ community, particularly among gay men, the issue of internalized homophobia often remains unaddressed. Despite openly living my life as a gay man, I grew up absorbing the same societal norms and biases as everyone else. These external negative messages can linger within us and shape our choices and views.
It wasn’t until a conversation with my young nephew, who innocently asked if I had a girlfriend, that I began to see the pervasive nature of homophobia in our lives. His question—and the reactions from my family and me—revealed deeper layers of this bias.
While I can’t speculate on why this father chose to divert the conversation, it’s essential to recognize that silence can also convey a message. Children are perceptive; if they can grasp concepts like marriage and family, they are certainly ready to understand what it means to be gay. Love between same-sex partners should be normalized just like the portrayals they see in media. By introducing these ideas early on, we foster allies and help combat bullying and homophobia.
To parents who feel hesitant to discuss certain topics, I encourage you to reflect on your motivations for changing the subject. Children often possess more insight than we credit them for.
As society shifts, it’s crucial for both parents and members of the LGBTQ+ community to evaluate how our implicit biases influence what we choose to communicate. The more introspective we become, the more we can contribute to a world rooted in equality.
For further reading on the nuances of parenting and LGBTQ+ topics, check out our other blog posts, like this one, and for authoritative information, visit Make a Mom. Additionally, the CDC offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Understanding how we respond to children’s questions is crucial in shaping their perceptions of the world. Parents should consider the impact of their discussions, especially regarding topics like sexuality, to foster acceptance and understanding in the next generation. By normalizing conversations about LGBTQ+ identities, we can contribute to a more inclusive society.