As a mother of three energetic kids, my life often feels like a chaotic juggling act. Between trying to keep everyone on schedule and wishing for bedtime to magically arrive, I find myself in a constant battle to maintain some semblance of order. The days can feel endless, yet they fly by in a blur of activity.
In the midst of this whirlwind, I sometimes lose my temper. I admit, I have a tendency to yell (my children might say it’s more than just a tendency) and often resort to disciplinary measures that don’t yield the desired results. For instance, throwing their toys into a garbage bag out of frustration wasn’t the most effective way to handle my anger the other day.
The reality is that children need clarity on why they are being disciplined. They must grasp the relationship between their actions and the outcomes that follow. While losing their toys was a consequence, it wasn’t until I took a moment to explain my feelings and the reasons behind my anger that they truly understood. After I communicated that their failure to clean up the basement after multiple reminders was disrespectful, it clicked for them.
This pivotal understanding only occurred after I calmed down and stopped being the frightening “angry dragon mom.” Yes, they still faced the consequence of losing their toys temporarily, but the approach we took to enforce that consequence made all the difference.
It’s crucial to recognize that punishment based on fear is not an effective disciplinary strategy; however, consequences can be. In an insightful article on Mother.ly, Montessori educator Sarah Thompson discusses the significance of natural and logical consequences in teaching children about their behavior. “Montessori homes utilize natural consequences because we want children to behave appropriately not out of fear of punishment, but because they comprehend the impact of their actions,” she notes.
This concept is powerful—don’t we want our children to realize they can influence the world around them? If we want them to learn about the repercussions of their actions, we must demonstrate the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. For instance, being kind leads to friendships, while being unkind results in isolation. Taking care of their belongings means they can enjoy them longer, while neglecting them can lead to broken toys.
Psychologist Dr. Adam Liu, cited in the same article, emphasizes the flaws of punitive measures. “Punishment fosters compliance rather than moral understanding,” he explains. Children might obey when monitored but often disobey when they think no one is looking. This happens because they haven’t internalized the lesson from punishment and are merely trying to avoid it.
When children better understand consequences, they are more likely to adjust their behavior for the right reasons which contributes to their growth into kinder, more self-aware adults who recognize the significance of their actions. Thompson suggests two types of consequences: natural and logical. Natural consequences occur without parental intervention. For example, if a child runs near a pool and slips, that’s a natural consequence. A parent can then discuss the event and the lessons learned.
Logical consequences require more parental involvement. “Sometimes an undesired behavior doesn’t have an immediate natural consequence,” Thompson explains. For instance, avoiding brushing teeth might lead to cavities later, which is difficult to convey to a young child in the moment. Therefore, we need to implement a logical consequence, like asking a child to come inside for unkind behavior with friends or withholding a favorite breakfast after they fail to follow bedtime rules.
What sets this approach apart? It’s devoid of shame and fear, teaching that while everyone makes mistakes, our actions do have repercussions. Is this method foolproof? Certainly not. Allowing natural consequences can be challenging for someone like me who craves control. I recently read about a mother who allowed her child to drink from a glass cup since infancy. That’s a risk I’m not willing to take! Nevertheless, I appreciate her perspective on effective discipline, even if I don’t fully agree.
Interestingly, between having their toys confiscated and enduring my yelling, guess which method motivated my kids to clean up more? Honestly, I wish it was the yelling. I wish they would follow my rules out of love and appreciation for my daily efforts, but the truth is, they don’t always connect those dots. Just like I struggled to understand my own mom’s frustrations when I was a child, they won’t grasp this until they become parents themselves. The reality is that losing privileges is a more effective consequence.
Did I still discuss the importance of respecting our household rules and taking care of our belongings? Absolutely. However, I want them to respect me because they want to, not because they fear my anger. I refuse to be the kind of parent who instills fear.
To illustrate, my five-year-old recently attempted to pour his own milk while unsupervised, resulting in a spill that looked like a small lake in our kitchen. Instead of hiding or blaming someone else, he immediately grabbed paper towels to clean the mess. He recognized that his choice led to an unfortunate outcome, and he took responsibility for it. I was proud of him (and I reminded him to ask for help next time he wants to pour milk!).
While assigning consequences can have its challenges, it also imparts invaluable lessons. Parenting is undeniably difficult, and there’s no universal guidebook that applies to all kids. However, the principle of favoring consequences over punishment seems to resonate strongly in my experience.
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Summary:
Consequences are a more effective approach to discipline than punishment, as they foster understanding and responsibility in children without instilling fear. By teaching kids about natural and logical consequences, parents can help them learn the impact of their actions and encourage positive behavior. This method nurtures their growth into empathetic and self-aware individuals.