Before I became a parent, I had no idea how many roles I would assume beyond just “Mom.” Isn’t that enough? Apparently not. Once you enter motherhood, you find yourself categorized based on your feeding choices, sleep techniques, discipline styles, and just about every other aspect of raising children. Every single decision you make contributes to your “motherhood persona.” We’re not merely Moms; we’re designated as “specific types” of Moms.
I identify as a “Working Mom.” The endless comments I hear often make me want to pull my (already thinning) hair out, which is why I felt compelled to write today. Most of these remarks come from stay-at-home moms (SAHM – yet another label). I’m sure you don’t intend to be offensive or unkind, so I hope this list sheds light on what not to say to your working mom friends.
1. “I can’t believe you chose to go back to work! I’ve decided to stay home with my kids; we’ll never get this time back.”
Firstly, it wasn’t a choice for many of us. For some, surviving on a single income simply isn’t feasible. For me, staying at home was never even an option. Secondly, thanks for the reminder about lost time; I’m fully aware of it. Unless you’re suggesting I might one day gain access to a time machine? That would be cool, right? Conversely, for many, going back to work is a choice. Some of us genuinely enjoy our careers; they are a significant part of our identity beyond being a mom. Plus, our professional skills are essential. Next time you seek a female pediatrician or a child psychologist, ask yourself where we’d all be if we “decided” to stay home.
2. “You have no idea how hard it is to be a SAHM—at work, you get lunch breaks, a social life, and the chance to use the bathroom in peace. My days are packed with errands, cooking, cleaning, and appointments; you wouldn’t believe how busy I am.”
For starters, I’ve spent full days with my kids—weekends, holidays, and sick days—so I’m familiar with the chaos. And guess what? When I’m at work, I don’t really get breaks either! Those errands and appointments? We still have to fit them in, often during lunch breaks or even those coveted bathroom moments. Most of my day is dedicated to my job. After work, I still need to shop, attend appointments, and prepare meals. Once I’m home, I set up activities for the kids or let them watch TV while I start cooking. By the time everyone is asleep, I can finally tackle laundry—unless I leave it as a pile for another day (which is likely). Housework? Yeah, that has to be squeezed in somewhere too. Breaks? Hardly.
3. “But there’s so much more mess to clean up when your kids are at home than when they are at daycare.”
I’m awake with my son for several hours before we head off to work and daycare. Believe me, that’s plenty of time to create a mess or two (or three). If I manage to clean up before work—which is a big if—there will still be more messes to contend with after we return home. Our kids still eat just as much whether they’re home or at daycare. We cook their meals and wash their lunchboxes after work—logical, right?
4. “I feel sorry for you, missing out on so much with your kids.”
While this may be well-intentioned, it can come off as condescending. I appreciate your concern, but pity isn’t welcome. Most of us don’t need it, and such comments can imply that we’ve made poor life choices. Look, I know this isn’t a competition. My life is busy, and I don’t want to compare schedules. I simply wish people would stop perpetuating the myths about working moms and how “easy” our lives are. They’re not. That’s the reality.
This article was originally published on July 16, 2018.
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In summary, let’s aim for understanding rather than judgment when it comes to the choices mothers make. Every journey through motherhood is unique, and instead of competing, we should support one another.