As parents, we often encounter challenging situations with our children that can be difficult to navigate. It’s not uncommon to witness a child at school who seems to engage in unkind behavior—calling names, making rude comments, or trying to control social interactions during games. If your child is the one causing hurt, it can be a heartbreaking and frustrating experience.
I find myself in the position of being the parent of a child labeled as a bully. However, I prefer to use the term “perceived bully.” To me, a bully is someone who knowingly seeks to harm or intimidate others. Many people attribute bullying to inadequate parenting—poor role models, exposure to violent media, or negative peer influences. While these factors can play a role, it’s essential to consider that some children may have unique needs that contribute to their behavior.
I have several children with special needs, each exhibiting distinct behaviors. Among them, two have been labeled as bullies—one at home and another at school. My daughter, who faces challenges in her school environment, truly has a kind heart. She takes medication to help manage some of her behaviors, and while she often wakes up with a burst of energy, she quickly transforms into the most helpful and sweet member of our family. She enjoys caring for her siblings, assisting with chores, and cherishing the time spent with friends.
As the school year progresses, however, her medication’s effectiveness can wane, and her negative behaviors may become more pronounced. Transitions, such as lining up or recess, are particularly tough for her, leading to hurtful comments directed at peers and siblings. By the end of the day, when her medication has worn off, her behavior can become increasingly difficult to manage.
Typically, as the holiday season concludes and the new year begins, I find myself receiving emails from teachers, parents, and even family members regarding her behavior. Thankfully, our community approaches these situations with kindness, allowing me the chance to discuss my child’s actions and encourage her to apologize and learn from her mistakes.
However, for some children with special needs, understanding the repercussions of their actions can be challenging. They may not grasp that hurtful remarks can deeply impact others or that cheating during games can drive friends away. These social norms can be elusive for them, often resulting in unintended consequences. Although my children may hurt others, I know they harbor no ill will and do not intentionally aim to cause harm; their actions stem from their unique challenges.
The most difficult aspect of parenting a child considered a bully is witnessing the emotional toll it takes on everyone involved. Each time I receive a notification about my child’s behavior, I am reminded of her struggles. While she may have friends to play with, deep connections can be affected, especially as children grow older and the importance of friendships increases. It’s painful to see her miss out on invitations and social events because of her behavior, which is rooted in challenges beyond her control.
I share this perspective not only to connect with other parents of children with special needs but also to extend my heartfelt apologies to those impacted by my child’s actions. We never wish to see another child hurt, and we strive for understanding in these situations. It’s vital to extend grace and recognize that these behaviors often stem from invisible disabilities.
It’s perfectly acceptable to explain to your child that my child has special needs and that she sometimes requires additional support in social situations. Know that she genuinely wants to connect and be friends, even if her actions may not always reflect that. I truly appreciate being informed when incidents occur, even though it can be emotionally difficult for me as a parent.
Finally, I hope you can see my child not as a bully, but as a child who is navigating her way through social challenges. Instead of encouraging your child to distance themselves or retaliate, I urge you to consider that many of these behaviors are the result of underlying difficulties that they may not fully understand. By fostering education and empathy, we can help all our children move forward together with kindness.
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In conclusion, it’s crucial to approach these issues with understanding and compassion. We’re all in this together, striving for kindness and empathy in our communities.