We refer to it as her defiant look. My eight-year-old, Lily, has a knack for tilting her head, locking eyes, and pursing her lips into a tight line before blatantly ignoring my requests. When I ask her to stop watching TV and go to bed, she gives me that look and continues to sit there.
Just the other day, at my son’s soccer game, I asked Lily to take her younger brother to the playground. Instead, she turned, shot me that same defiant look, and kept walking, leaving her brother still by my side.
Every time she gives me that look, I’ve learned to confront it. “Don’t give me that face,” I say. “Who do you think you are?” But despite my annoyance, I can’t help but admire her strong spirit.
The truth is, while I strive to raise compassionate children, I also don’t want them to be the kind of kids who shy away from standing up for themselves or others. I don’t want my children to be too nice.
Before I became a parent, I often heard my sister talk about her daughter’s attitude. She would lament how her daughter never listened and often argued back, labeling her as bossy. I told her that this behavior reflected a budding strong-willed woman. “She’s going to grow up to be a leader,” I’d say, encouraging her to nurture that spirit. My sister, however, would look at me as if I had no clue what I was talking about.
And honestly, I didn’t at the time. Living with a strong-willed child can be quite challenging. As parents, we grapple with the question of how much assertiveness is too much. Where do we draw the line between teaching our children kindness and ensuring they don’t become doormats? I want them to be individuals who defend their friends when they’re wronged and aren’t afraid to advocate for themselves, whether it’s asking for a better salary or addressing mistreatment.
To be frank, I’m not great at those things myself. I consider myself a nice person, but I often look back and wish I had spoken up more. I don’t want my children to feel that same regret.
Parenting is about fostering good traits while also addressing the less desirable ones, all while trying to maintain your sanity, right? So when Lily flashed me her defiant look and started toward the playground, I stopped her. We talked about respect. She pouted and looked down, but I made it clear that I wanted her to grow into a strong woman. However, she needed to show respect when it came to family responsibilities.
About 20 minutes into their play, I noticed an older boy pushing a younger child. Lily marched over, gave the boy her defiant look, and told him to leave the younger kid alone. She stood her ground, just like she does when I insist she goes to bed or takes a bath. Unsurprisingly, the boy backed off—my daughter is fierce!
Later, I pulled her aside. She looked up at me as if bracing for another reprimand. “What you did out there was incredible,” I told her. Her face lit up with a smile. I emphasized that those are the moments worth fighting for. “This is when I want you to be strong-willed,” I winked, and she giggled, empowered.
This is the essence of parenting: guiding a child to be assertive for themselves and others. It’s about knowing when to say “stop” and when to encourage them to stand up for what is right.
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Summary
Raising children involves balancing kindness with assertiveness. It’s essential to encourage them to stand up for themselves and others, fostering strong-willed individuals without losing respect for family dynamics. This approach helps cultivate their ability to advocate in meaningful ways.