Do you have a personal mantra or phrase that helps you navigate your daily life? I certainly do. After years of grappling with anxiety, mine is “do it scared.” Whenever I feel anxiety creeping in, I recognize that it often stems from fear. So, I tell myself to do it scared.
Even before I became a mother, I understood the significance of this mantra. Thinking about moving away for college? Do it scared. Interested in chatting with a charming stranger but terrified of rejection? Do it scared. Contemplating applying for that dream job while feeling comfortable in my current role? Do it scared.
Living with anxiety means I constantly prepare for the unknown, always envisioning the worst-case scenario. Another saying I often lean on is, “If you don’t have a Plan B, you don’t have a plan,” but that’s a story for another day. What I wasn’t ready for was the sheer terror of motherhood. For as long as I can remember, I’ve dreamed of being a mother, so the idea of starting a family didn’t initially frighten me—until it did.
After getting married and moving into our first apartment, my husband and I excitedly began trying to conceive. I naively assumed it would be straightforward, but after months of waiting, anxiety began to rise. In May 2015, just as we were putting an offer on our first house, I discovered I was pregnant. For the first time, I felt pure joy—no fear.
Fast forward to moving day: a day filled with excitement! My sister-in-law was visiting, and we planned to share the news of my pregnancy while revealing the nursery. She was the first to hear, and we couldn’t wait to tell the rest of our family that weekend. But just two days later, an unexpected moment changed everything. While at work, I noticed blood, and a wave of panic washed over me.
In that moment, I froze. I reminded myself, “It’s okay, you’re scared; we can do this. Do it scared.” I called my husband and then my doctor to figure out a plan. With a few weeks left on our apartment lease, I opted to stay there until we had answers.
When my husband picked me up, we headed to the doctor’s office for an ultrasound. I was trembling with fear; the unknown felt overwhelming. As the technician asked a barrage of questions, I clung to one: “Have you passed any blood clots?” I hadn’t, which offered a glimmer of hope.
After the ultrasound, the technician said I could use the restroom. I was scared to go back, yet hopeful. Unfortunately, I knew before the doctor spoke that I had lost my baby. I was a mother to a child who would never be with me, and that was terrifying.
The loss of our first child brought feelings I thought I might never overcome, and with my anxiety, facing the unknown felt insurmountable. Yet, I kept telling myself to do it scared. I began sharing my experiences, listening to other mothers, and in doing so, I started to heal.
Months later, I found myself pregnant again with our rainbow baby—a term for a child born after a loss. This time, however, the joy was clouded by fear. Would this pregnancy last? Should I share the news? What should I do? Do it scared.
I chose to share my pregnancy with close friends and family and then expanded my circle. I wanted everyone to love this baby because the last one had been with us for such a short time.
As the weeks went by, excitement slowly replaced fear. The interesting thing about fear is that the more you confront what scares you, the less intimidating it becomes. Then, at our 20-week ultrasound, we faced another terrifying unknown: our son had kidney issues. Carrying a rainbow baby was already emotionally challenging, and now we were faced with something physically wrong. I reminded myself once more to do it scared. I kept working, attending OB appointments, setting up the nursery, and even scheduled maternity photos. Routine helped ease the fear.
Our son was born on June 9, 2016, just 364 days after losing our first pregnancy. The subsequent months were filled with medical appointments and uncertainty surrounding his kidney issues. We fell into a “wait and see” category, which only amplified my anxiety. Do it scared was my guiding principle.
As minor developmental issues arose—like falling off the growth chart and low hemoglobin levels—again, I leaned into my mantra. On October 26, 2017, during what we thought was a routine check-up, my son and I were nearly admitted to the hospital for a blood transfusion. We left with an urgent appointment scheduled with a pediatric oncologist the following morning. Those sixteen hours were etched in my memory as I witnessed my husband cry for the first time. We held each other through the night, the fear palpable in our home. Once again, I reminded myself, do it scared.
Today, after countless doctor visits, blood tests, a bone marrow biopsy, and genetic testing, we still don’t know the full extent of my son’s condition, which we know is bone marrow failure. Every day, I wake up filled with anxiety about the unknown. Sometimes it takes extra time to gather myself before getting out of bed, but I hold on to that mantra: do it scared.
Each day I wake up and face the challenges of navigating my son’s treatments and sending him to daycare, I grow a little stronger. I become less frightened. It does get easier.
I share this story not for sympathy but to inspire. Many view fear as a paralyzing force that keeps them stuck. I encourage you to see it differently. Every time you confront something that scares you, you gain resilience and hope. Motherhood is indeed frightening; however, fear can serve as a powerful motivator, just as it has for me.
To read more about home insemination, check out this insightful article from intracervicalinsemination.com. For more resources on pregnancy, visit Hopkins Medicine’s fertility center, and if you’re considering options for home insemination, Make A Mom is an authority on the subject.
In summary, my journey through motherhood has been marked by fear, loss, and ultimately, resilience. By embracing the idea of “doing it scared,” I’ve learned to confront my anxieties, paving the way for growth and strength.