For over two decades, I buried the truth of my experience with sexual assault and harassment during my college years, convincing myself it wasn’t severe enough to warrant a complaint. I internalized the blame and questioned my own strength, wondering why I didn’t take action.
A Troubling Mentor
At 19, I was a sophomore trying to balance my studies with a part-time job as an assistant to a respected professor. He seemed like a benign figure, eager to mentor me and share his expertise. But then, the nature of our interactions took a troubling turn. It started with innocent gestures—his arm brushing against mine, a hand resting on my knee. He suggested I unbutton my shirt further, claiming it would enhance my appearance.
I hesitated to rebuff him, fearing I would come across as rude. I would laugh nervously and quickly change the topic instead. One day, while I was delivering research materials to his home, his wife led me to his basement office. Once she was out of sight, he suddenly turned and kissed me forcefully in the stairwell. I was paralyzed, too shocked to react, worried about the potential embarrassment to his wife.
The Aftermath
After another unwanted kiss, he proclaimed his love for me. I may have been young and inexperienced, but I recognized that this had nothing to do with affection. In desperation, I confided in my parents for guidance. Their advice was to avoid conflict: “He’s just a dirty old man. Quit the job and steer clear of him.” So, I did, choosing to bury my feelings rather than confront the situation. I never filed a report or shared my experiences with anyone.
That conversation with my parents reinforced a heartbreaking lesson: unwanted advances from men were commonplace and should be overlooked. My self-reliant nature only built more walls around my emotions. A friend eventually took the same job, and years later, I learned she endured similar experiences. I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt for not protecting her.
Manifesting Pain
The feelings I suppressed did not simply vanish. They manifested as distrust toward men, unhealthy coping mechanisms like drinking, and a deep-seated discomfort with my own sexuality. Recently, as I’ve reflected on my past in light of the #MeToo movement, the memories, shame, and anger have resurfaced.
Forgiveness and Healing
I recognize now that I can’t keep these feelings buried any longer. Forgiveness is necessary. I forgive my younger self for doing her best to navigate a painful situation. I forgive my father for not providing better advice; he acted with the knowledge he had to keep me safe. I even extend forgiveness to the professor, who can no longer exploit my vulnerability.
Adding My Voice
It’s time for me to add my voice to the #MeToo movement. There is undeniable strength and healing in sharing the truth. I owe it to myself and the next generation to speak out. To that professor and others like him, I declare: #TimesUp.
Resources for Support
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, please reach out to trusted resources for support. For more information, you may visit this link, or explore valuable insights at this page, and refer to this blog for expert guidance on pregnancy and home insemination.
Conclusion
In summary, my journey from silence to speaking out highlights the importance of acknowledging our experiences and the power of forgiveness. By sharing our stories, we can foster healing and empowerment for ourselves and future generations.