The first time I encountered the remark, “Can’t your partner handle that?” was during my tenure as a waiter. At 24, I was juggling college and parenting a one-year-old. When a colleague asked if I could cover a shift, I explained I needed to take my son to his pediatrician for a check-up. He scoffed, implying that such responsibilities were solely a mother’s duty, and pressed me to fill in for him.
Initially, I brushed it off. Yet, I had anticipated such sentiments. Growing up, my father had never attended doctor visits—those tasks fell squarely on my mother’s shoulders, along with grocery shopping and meal preparation. These outdated notions still persist today.
As a graduate student, when I excused myself from class early to take my daughter to urgent care, I was met with skepticism regarding my commitment. Following the birth of my third child, I took paternity leave, only to be told by my supervisor that since my partner was a stay-at-home mom, I didn’t need the full amount of time off. He suggested that my students would struggle without my presence. Eager to make a good impression at my new job, I succumbed to the pressure, ultimately taking just two weeks off when I could have (and should have) taken more. In hindsight, I realize his actions were not only unethical but potentially illegal.
I could share more instances, but the stigma surrounding my dual roles as a professional and a parent has been pervasive, especially when it comes to taking time off for my children.
Interestingly, when I do receive positive feedback, it feels laced with an underlying implication. A couple of weeks ago, I stayed home with my oldest daughter, who had a fever. My partner and I both balance full-time jobs, and since she had taken the last sick day, it was my turn. After notifying my colleagues of my absence, I received an email complimenting me on being a great father. While I appreciated the recognition, it struck me as odd that no one extends such praise to mothers in similar situations. Why is my taking time off celebrated, while a mother’s decision goes unnoticed?
This disparity highlights a significant issue. Many fathers refrain from taking time off when their children are sick. They avoid leaving work for parent-teacher meetings, an area where I have also faced criticism. Although I’ve seen more fathers becoming engaged and striving for egalitarian partnerships, the assumption remains in many workplaces that mothers are the primary caregivers.
This mindset has far-reaching consequences. It places undue pressure on mothers, regardless of their employment status, and can lead employers to hesitate in hiring women, fearing they’ll request time off for childcare responsibilities. This should be a shared duty between both parents, and such biases should not deter businesses from hiring talented individuals.
Moreover, many fathers genuinely want to be involved in their children’s lives. Each time I stay home with a sick child, I deepen our bond and enhance my involvement in our family’s life. Attending parent-teacher conferences has given me invaluable insights into my children’s personalities, like discovering that my son has a nickname, “Little T.” Being present for my kids fosters a closer family dynamic and demonstrates the importance of equal partnership in marriage and parenting.
For employers, it’s crucial to acknowledge that fathers are equally responsible for their children. Co-workers should also recognize this shared responsibility. Dads, don’t hesitate to request time off to care for your child; while not all jobs accommodate this, those that do should be utilized. The only way to dismantle this stigma is for fathers to step up and assert their role as caregivers.
This article was originally published on May 21, 2018. If you’re interested in more insights on parenting and family dynamics, check out this blog post about home insemination methods.
In summary, it’s essential to eliminate the stigma surrounding working fathers taking time off for their children. Both parents should share caregiving responsibilities, and society must recognize and support fathers in their roles. By doing so, we can foster a more equitable workplace and healthier family relationships.