Dear New Partner,
There are a few important things I need to share with you. Navigating a relationship after experiencing abuse is challenging. It often feels uncomfortable and tense. When you surprise me with a gentle touch, my body tenses up because I’m uncertain about what will follow. I take your words literally, still grappling with the idea that I have the right to ask questions. I am relearning how to love, and this process will take time.
I Love You.
Expressing this is difficult for me, and accepting it is even harder. The scars from my past still linger, making it frightening to open my heart again. Yet, I want you to know that I love you deeply. I didn’t fall for you all at once; I held back, even when my heart wanted to leap forward. Instead, I cautiously ventured outside my comfort zone, allowing myself to envision the possibility of love. What began as tentative steps has blossomed into a profound love, and that makes it all the more beautiful. I choose you every single day.
Thank You.
Your patience has been a true gift as I navigate my way back to myself. You’ve shown me that I am enough just as I am—anxieties and all. Thank you for hugging me, even when I struggle to return the gesture, and for allowing me to cry without judgment. Although it’s tough, I know it’s beneficial. You notice when I start to pull away and gently remind me not to run, encouraging me to come back if I do. I may not always recognize when I’m distancing myself, but your subtle nudges bring me back, and I appreciate that deeply. I want to stay with you, and I’m working on that.
I Want to Be With You.
I truly enjoy being in your calming presence. I recognize that I sometimes withdraw, but I genuinely want you in my life. It’s a gradual journey for me, but I’m realizing that life is richer with you by my side. I want to let you in, to grant you access to the fortress I’ve built around my heart. Unfortunately, there’s no key; I must dismantle this wall slowly, brick by brick, and place them aside. I’ll peek through the gaps, seeing you there, waiting patiently. Together, we can create a space for our love to flourish.
I Apologize.
I understand that my hesitation may make you feel uncertain about my trust in you. I sometimes wait for anger to surface, a remnant of my past, anticipating escalation. I know you’re not a reflection of my history, but moving forward is taking longer than I anticipated. I want to do this right with you. While I aim to leave my past behind, it lingers, and you will inevitably encounter its shadows. I’ll need your support during those moments, even if they’re difficult.
You’re Incredible.
I often find myself watching you from bed, feeling grateful for the coffee you bring and the warmth you provide. You notice my smiles and downplay your kindness, but that’s what makes it special—you are simply being you. You understand that even the smallest acts of affection, like holding hands or unexpected kisses, carry immense significance for me, and you accept me wholeheartedly.
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In summary, loving again after an abusive relationship is a complex journey filled with challenges and healing. It requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to overcome the walls built from past trauma. But with time, the possibility of a fulfilling love emerges, one that is cherished and chosen every day.