This month, I’ve found myself reflecting deeply on my journey, particularly regarding my late diagnosis of autism at 34. It was the stories of other women and girls on the spectrum that first made me consider my own experiences. Inspired by their narratives, I’m compelled to share my own in the hopes that it resonates with someone else facing similar struggles. So here’s my heartfelt message to all the “different” girls who may be navigating life with undiagnosed autism.
Dear “different” girl,
I understand you.
As a child, I was quiet and preferred the company of a single friend or even my own thoughts. I found joy in solitary play, arranging my toys in neat lines or creating elaborate scenes. Often, I would become so engrossed in my books or play that my mother’s calls would go unheard. Despite passing hearing tests, I had a unique way of engaging with the world around me.
I also faced my share of clumsiness. Cooking often resulted in minor burns, and I frequently bumped into furniture. Even after getting glasses, my coordination didn’t improve much.
Social interactions often eluded me. I struggled to grasp jokes that would leave others in stitches. Practical jokes especially left me feeling lost and confused. I learned how to mimic social cues, often faking my way through conversations.
As I matured, I found solace in movies and music, particularly musicals. Disney films became a refuge where I memorized every lyric and line. The characters’ clear emotions spoke to me in ways that real-life interactions often didn’t. My passion for what some may deem “childish” interests—like cartoons and collectibles—provided comfort in a world that felt chaotic.
Transitioning into adulthood proved challenging. Managing finances, self-care, and job responsibilities became hurdles I hadn’t anticipated. College was a steep learning curve, one that took several attempts to conquer.
Currently, I grapple with workplace interactions. Engaging with new people is daunting, and I often misinterpret social cues. My laughter can arise at inappropriate moments, and my understanding of others’ feelings is sometimes lacking. I need explicit guidance on how to respond to emotions, which can be overwhelming.
Conversations with multiple participants can feel like a maze. I struggle to find the right moment to speak and often interrupt or leave without properly concluding discussions. I thrive in structured conversations and prefer predictable scripts. Eye contact feels uncomfortable, and I often rely on online resources rather than asking for help directly. While I find it difficult to organize tasks, I enjoy cataloging information about my interests.
Routine plays a crucial role in my life, and disruptions can trigger anxiety. I’ve come to recognize sensory sensitivities that affect me—bright lights, loud sounds, and certain textures can be overwhelming, especially when I’m under stress. When upset, repetitive movements like hand-flapping provide a calming effect.
These unique traits may seem “weird” to those unfamiliar with autism. And perhaps you’ve felt that same label imposed upon you. If you do, know that it is not a reflection of your worth.
“Different” girl, I once felt as you do now—and in many ways, I still do.
The aspects of myself that others deem “weird” are integral to who I am. For years, I questioned why I seemed to deviate from the norm and failed to recognize my strengths. I overlooked my intelligence and problem-solving abilities, focusing instead on my perceived flaws. My unique thought processes foster creativity and make me an insightful writer and listener.
Beneath the surface of “weird,” I am still a person. It took time, but I’ve grown to appreciate who I am today.
If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or lost, remember there is no shame in seeking help. Discuss your experiences with a mental health professional. It’s worth exploring the idea that your brain may function differently than expected—it could be autism, anxiety, or other conditions. None of these labels diminish your identity.
You are not broken or lacking. You may simply need additional support, but you can thrive as an adult. A fulfilling life is within reach.
Embrace the journey of self-discovery. It may feel like navigating foreign territory, but eventually, you will find comfort and clarity. For me, receiving my autism diagnosis felt like finally coming home.
Dear “different” girl, I hope you discover your place soon. Your community is out there, waiting for you—people who comprehend your unique experiences and quirks. Through them, you will learn more about yourself. You may still face challenges, but understanding them can offer a sense of relief and direction.
You will remain that delightful “different” girl, but you’ll also evolve into something even more remarkable. Daring to learn about yourself and taking steps toward improvement is a brave and worthwhile endeavor. So, embrace your journey with courage and curiosity.
Don’t just be the “different” girl—be the courageous explorer seeking your own path. Your home awaits. Let’s embark on this adventure together.
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Summary
In this heartfelt letter, Clara Jensen shares her journey as a “different” girl navigating life with undiagnosed autism. She reflects on childhood experiences, social challenges, and the importance of self-acceptance. Clara encourages others to seek help, embrace their individuality, and explore their unique identities without fear or shame.