This week, just like many others, I found myself surrounded by a group of stressed-out, over-caffeinated, and utterly exhausted mothers at the school playground. With a baby in one arm and a forgotten lunchbox in the other, they discussed strategies to cope with the reduced recess time at school.
“Recess is crucial for our children’s cognitive, social, and emotional development,” they proclaimed.
“Yes, absolutely,” I managed to agree, muffled by my three-year-old’s hand covering my mouth. As I struggled to find a moment of clarity amidst the chaos, I thought to myself: forget about the kids; I need some recess too.
While many women excel at advocating for their children’s needs, we often neglect our own well-being. We provide ourselves with the basics: leftover sandwich crusts for meals, the occasional 20-minute power nap for sleep, and hydration mostly from wine (which counts as liquid, right?). The majority of our time is consumed by family, work, home responsibilities, and a multitude of self-improvement tasks inspired by Pinterest that pressurize us to be better mothers, wives, and women.
When we do manage to carve out “me time,” we often view it as another obligation rather than a chance to recharge. Activities like reading self-help books, watching motivational talks, or applying coffee grounds in a misguided attempt to diminish stretch marks have replaced genuine relaxation methods like enjoying a long bath or simply collapsing in a dark room for 20 minutes.
Without this necessary recess, our focus wanes, and we become irritable, struggling to articulate coherent thoughts. Ironically, our justification for skipping personal downtime parallels that of educational authorities: we undervalue unstructured time that doesn’t yield immediate results. Just as kids must be learning rather than playing, we feel compelled to be productive, disregarding the importance of rest.
Our lives have evolved into a continuous cycle of doing — for our children, careers, homes, and society. The nearly $10 billion self-improvement industry fuels the notion that if we aren’t busy, we’re failing. This relentless push for productivity creates a barrier against the stigma of being a “lazy” mom. We wear our frantic schedules proudly, often criticizing those who dare to indulge in leisure.
It’s true that “productive” tasks must be completed, typically when children are otherwise occupied. Yet, instead of embracing personal downtime, we fill it with chores and responsibilities. I noticed I often took five minutes of free time and turned it into a ten-minute task, filling every moment with necessary duties such as dishes, laundry, or even training for a marathon (really?!). This behavior left me feeling perpetually overwhelmed and perpetually behind.
To restore balance, I created “The 80/20 Rule for Moms Teetering on the Edge of Sanity.” Instead of overcommitting my free time to self-improvement tasks, I dedicate 80% to necessary duties and reserve 20% for my much-needed recess. To combat the stigma surrounding guilt-free relaxation, I share what I do with my 20% — sipping tea, enjoying a slice of toast, and relishing some quiet time.
Whether you adopt the 80/20 Rule or develop your own strategy for balance, it’s essential to unapologetically embrace unproductivity. By setting aside a portion of our time for personal joy, we may discover that this simple act brings about a tangible benefit — happiness. This happiness is at the core of the cognitive, social, and emotional advantages we tirelessly advocate for our children.
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In summary, embracing the 80/20 Rule allows mothers to reclaim their time, prioritize self-care, and ultimately enhances their happiness, benefiting both themselves and their families.