One afternoon, as I was preparing dinner, my daughter, Lily, asked me, “What’s a BFF?” Without much thought, I explained the term, juggling hamburger meat and checking the oven for burning fries. When I looked at her, she wore a puzzled expression, and I assumed it was just the late hour and my disheveled appearance.
But then her bottom lip quivered. “What’s wrong?” I asked while rinsing off my hands.
“If I’m not a best friend forever, does that mean I’m the worst friend forever?”
Her demeanor shifted instantly, and I knew what was coming. At six, children view things in absolute terms—best or worst, first or last. There’s no gray area where most relationships reside, and in that moment, I felt the weight of that simplicity. It reminded me of my own childhood, where I felt the sting of not being the one chosen for a friendship necklace.
I could easily rush out to a store, spend a few dollars, and buy her one of those necklaces, reassuring her she was not the worst friend. I could tell her there aren’t even necklaces for friends of her caliber, that she’s better than the “best.” But here’s the truth: I don’t want my daughter to have a BFF.
I don’t want her to think that friendships should be ranked or categorized based on importance. Girls, in particular, already face enough labeling—prettiest, smartest, bossy. Why add another layer of pressure? In first grade, there’s already competition in academics and social standing; do we really want our children to feel they need to compete for friendships too?
What does being a best friend forever even mean at such a young age? Is it the one who shares a snack at lunch? The girl who helps you swing higher? The child who stands up to a bully for you? These are not best friends—they’re just friends. Children should have the freedom to connect with as many peers as they wish without the burden of designating a single “bestie.” They have a lifetime to decide their favorites—favorite songs, ice cream flavors—why should they settle for a single best friend now? I still struggle to choose the best ice cream flavor, and I’m an adult.
I understand the desire for our children to be liked, and a small token can seem harmless. After all, many of us wore such necklaces proudly, feeling a sense of belonging. But what started as a cute accessory can quickly become a source of division in later years.
As someone who navigated the tumultuous waters of middle school friendships, I remember the ruthless competition for status. I fought hard for acceptance, often at the expense of others. I recall the worn-out BFF necklaces caught in the chaos, symbols of a hierarchy that only served to hurt.
While I support the idea of strong female friendships, I believe we should encourage our daughters to build relationships that uplift rather than push them down. Instead of perpetuating the BFF tradition, let’s focus on teaching our children the qualities that make a good friend.
What if we shifted the conversation from who their best friend is to what makes a friendship valuable? This could foster a mindset where they appreciate diverse friendships, encouraging connections with individuals from various backgrounds. Yes, this may challenge us as parents to step outside our comfort zones, but it could lead to a richer understanding of friendship for our daughters.
Imagine a generation of women who, having once celebrated the BFF necklace, finally shed it and buried it where it belongs.
In this case, we could say goodbye to the BFF necklace for good.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, the author shares her decision to not allow her daughter to wear a BFF necklace, emphasizing the negative implications of ranking friendships at a young age. She advocates for nurturing a mindset that values diverse friendships without the pressure of designating “best” friends. By focusing on what makes a good friend, the author encourages a supportive environment where children can form healthy, uplifting relationships.