We often hear the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” which highlights how external appearances can be misleading, masking the deeper struggles within. This sentiment resonates deeply with me, especially in this chapter of my life, where the praises I receive can sometimes sound hollow. There are moments when the words of admiration directed at my mother, who is battling early onset Alzheimer’s, can feel misplaced or even frustrating.
I might title this chapter “Alzheimer’s, You’re Winning.” It begins with the decision to relocate my family from our comfortable life in Ohio to the town where I was raised, just a short drive away, to be closer to my 54-year-old mother, who is facing severe cognitive decline. Each visit, occurring twice weekly, brings the painful realization that her recognition of me diminishes every time — a heart-wrenching narrative all its own.
What I want to emphasize, in bold and clear terms, is the importance of pausing before expressing that a caregiver’s loved one appears “fine.” This advice extends beyond just Alzheimer’s, so let me share my perspective.
I spend considerable time preparing my mother’s wardrobe for her weekly visits. We invested in garment bags to help my father dress her in outfits that reflect her former vibrant style. I organize her undergarments, socks, and shoes, even leaving notes on what she might need from other bags. I take care of washing her clothes and ensuring that they’re appropriate for the season, cycling out items that no longer fit.
Next, I turn to her hygiene routine. Did she shower? Is there shampoo in the bottle? I ensure she’s wearing her wedding rings and has her glasses on, attempting to style her hair and apply makeup on good days.
This is a crucial aspect of understanding Alzheimer’s. It’s a misconception that the disease is characterized merely by forgetfulness, like putting keys in the fridge. The reality is much deeper: it involves losing the fundamental ability to comprehend even the simplest actions, such as getting ready for the day.
Did I choose this journey? Yes. Do I do it out of love for the parents who raised me? Absolutely. However, I ask that you refrain from implying that her outward appearance belies her condition. Terms like “normal” or “like she’s all there” only serve to frustrate me.
Of course, I want my mother to be presented well at social gatherings. A simple compliment like “she looks great” accompanied by a warm smile is far more supportive than any commentary about her appearance. She can still appreciate your kindness, even if she may not recognize you.
But please, spare me the “compliments” that highlight the contrast between how she appears and the reality of her condition. Such remarks, which imply that she looks good for someone who can’t remember anything, are deeply upsetting.
This situation extends beyond Alzheimer’s. Many individuals and families face similar challenges with invisible illnesses or conditions that are not immediately evident. They do not need to hear comments that diminish the complexity of their experiences.
So, the next time you see my beautiful mother and me together, a nod and a smile will suffice. If you wish to make her day brighter, greet her with kindness or simply say, “It’s wonderful to see you.” Regardless of her attire, her inner beauty is irrefutable.
In conclusion, understanding the nuances of Alzheimer’s and similar conditions is essential in fostering empathy and support. For those exploring fertility options, including home insemination, you can check out this informative resource or learn more about self insemination. Additionally, this article offers valuable insights into pregnancy and related topics.