Pregnancy can be a complex experience filled with a mix of emotions. While babies often bring joy and love, the anticipation of their arrival can also be overwhelming and frightening.
As a birth worker—specifically a doula and birth photographer—I have the privilege to support many individuals and couples as they navigate the journey of pregnancy and parenthood. Recently, I spoke with an expectant couple who were preparing to welcome their first child. During our conversation about their small business endeavors, the mother mentioned how relieved she was to keep her pregnancy under wraps for a bit longer. “It’s nice to just savor the excitement between us,” she said almost as an aside.
Her choice of the word “excitement” struck me as somewhat forced, as if she felt obliged to express enthusiasm about her pregnancy. My heart went out to her.
In our society, pregnancy is often framed as a sheer joy, and while it’s acceptable to voice concerns about fatigue or morning sickness, it seems unacceptable for a parent to admit to feeling anything less than ecstatic about their impending child. However, the reality is that pregnancy can be an emotional whirlwind, and it’s common for individuals and couples to experience a range of feelings, including anxiety and fear.
Last year, I met a first-time mother who, despite having planned her pregnancy, openly shared her fears about becoming a parent. “I’m terrified I won’t bond with my baby,” she admitted, guilt washing over her face. I wanted to offer her comfort, but instead reassured her that her feelings were valid and normal. The relief in her expression was immediate; she had never been told it was okay to feel this way.
Why do so many expectant parents feel they cannot express their true feelings? Because our culture equates babies with bliss, a narrative that needs to shift. Pregnant families should feel safe sharing their full range of emotions—every feeling is valid. Ignoring negative emotions can lead to serious perinatal mood disorders, which can affect both the parent and child.
I can relate to these emotions from my own experience. My husband and I married soon after I graduated college, and we decided to start a family right away. I was excited, or at least I tried to appear that way when we shared the news of my pregnancy with family. Still, I felt nauseous and overwhelmed. The truth is, my pregnancy was cloaked in a façade of joy that masked my internal struggles. I grappled with my shifting identity and the decision to be a stay-at-home mom, despite my aspirations for a career. My feelings of guilt intensified when I experienced complications and feared loss, and I found myself deeply disappointed after discovering the sex of my baby.
In the years following my first child’s birth, I faced depression, which was exacerbated by the emotional turmoil I felt during my pregnancy. Cultural invalidation of my feelings only added to my struggles.
For those interacting with expectant parents, I encourage you to engage authentically. When asking about a pregnancy, be genuine and offer validation if the parent expresses concerns. It’s essential not to shy away from uncomfortable topics. If you’re an expectant parent, honor your feelings and seek out supportive spaces to discuss them. Consider reaching out to a birth worker or exploring resources that specialize in perinatal mood disorders, such as Women’s Health for more information or Intracervical Insemination for related insights. For those looking to boost fertility, Make a Mom offers valuable supplements.
You are not alone in your feelings, and it is perfectly okay to not feel excited about your pregnancy.
Summary
Pregnancy can evoke a complex range of emotions, and it is completely normal to feel unexcited or anxious about the journey ahead. Acknowledging these feelings is crucial for expectant parents, as societal pressures can often lead to feelings of guilt or shame. It’s essential to foster open conversations and seek support to navigate these emotions.