The moment I recognized that my child was “that” child marked a significant shift in my journey as a mother. It was the day I began to feel embarrassed by my daughter and her behavior. I started questioning whether there was something wrong with her—or perhaps it was me, the one who brought her into this world and is responsible for shaping her into a compassionate human being.
It happened on an otherwise ordinary day. We were hosting a playdate at our home with friends we knew well and had invited over countless times. My 5-year-old, Lily, and her 4-year-old friend were racing around the couch, playing tag. When Lily, who was “it,” couldn’t catch her friend, she flopped onto the ground, pouting and nearly in tears, yelling, “You have to slow down! I can’t catch you! If you don’t, I won’t play anymore!” I sighed, as I often do in such moments, and glanced at her friend, who is typically cheerful and agreeable. That’s when I truly understood: my daughter is not easy to like.
This wasn’t a one-off incident; it was just one of many. This behavior occurs constantly. Whether she’s alone, with her siblings, or with her friends, at home or in public, Lily is the bossy one, the one who throws tantrums in stores because I won’t buy her a gymnastics leotard (even though we don’t do gymnastics!). She cries, yells, and throws fits that I once thought were exclusive to toddlers. She can be rude, moody, and is often unwilling to share, fixated on every toy—hers or anyone else’s. She insists on doing things her way and becomes impossible when things don’t go as she wishes. She’s manipulative, self-centered, and unafraid to voice her thoughts and feelings. If she disapproves of you or what you’re doing, you’ll know it. I dislike labels, yet it’s clear she is spirited, strong-willed, and, truthfully, a brat. Every interaction outside our home feels like navigating a minefield; I never know what will trigger her next outburst.
This presents a significant challenge for a mother like me, who is a not-so-secret people-pleaser. I work hard to avoid letting others take advantage of me, but I take pride in being kind, generous, and accommodating. I want those around me to be happy and to find me easy to get along with. It frustrates me that my daughter seems to lack the same qualities. Many people assured me that things would improve as she outgrew her toddler years, but that hasn’t been the case—not for me or for her.
Now, she just screams louder and uses more sophisticated language. In many ways, she has been a challenging child since infancy, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Observing her alongside her peers highlights just how different my determined, strong-willed daughter is from the rest. She embodies the definition of a difficult child, and while I want to embrace and love her for who she is, I can’t help but wish she reflected some of the sweetness and pleasantness of other kids.
So, for those of you who meet my delightful, big-eyed brat, I understand if you don’t like her. Often, I struggle to like her myself. As her mother, I love her because I’ve seen her at her best. I recognize her potential and strengths. I notice how she tries to make her baby brother laugh, the gentleness with which she pets our small dog, and how she confidently enters a room full of strangers. I cherish the moments when she whispers “I love you” to her little sister or introduces herself to someone new with the same enthusiasm I wish I had.
But you? You might spend just a moment, an hour, or a morning with her. If you’re lucky, you’ll experience her charm and warmth. If not, you may find yourself dealing with her sharp remarks, mediating disputes over toys, or wishing you were somewhere else. For that, I’m sorry. I’m truly trying, as is she. On good days, I witness her biting her tongue to avoid saying things I’d rather she didn’t, which gives me hope that she can grow into a person of integrity and character, as I’m striving to help her become. Perhaps one day, the thought of a playdate won’t fill me with dread.
Until then, feel free to encourage your kids to stand up to her, to assert themselves in her presence. I’d even secretly support them giving her a little shove if needed. My daughter needs friends, but she also requires someone to keep her grounded. My attempts at guidance—gentle reminders, reprimands, and pleas—have not worked. Maybe peer pressure could be what she needs to help her develop.
Hope remains, at least.
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Summary
This reflection on parenting reveals the struggles of a mother with a challenging child. The author expresses feelings of embarrassment and frustration regarding her daughter’s behavior, which includes being bossy, demanding, and often rude. Despite these challenges, the mother recognizes her daughter’s potential and the moments of kindness she displays. The piece conveys a mix of hope and resignation, with suggestions for peers to guide her daughter in social situations.