Raising children can often feel like an uphill battle. Despite the joyous moments filled with laughter and the wonder of childhood, navigating the complexities of parenting can be quite challenging. After seventeen years of experience, I can confidently say that parenting is often a test of patience.
It’s important to recognize that our children aren’t the cause of our frustrations; it’s simply part of the journey. Unfortunately, it’s all too easy for our annoyance to seep into our interactions with them. I can’t even count the times I allowed my irritation to influence my responses, especially when faced with stubborn behaviors or habits.
However, it doesn’t have to be this way. Over the years, I’ve come to view a child grappling with a behavior as someone genuinely struggling. Even if it appears intentional, even if they persist despite repeated reminders, most children genuinely want to please us and do the right thing. They just often find it difficult to reconcile their immediate impulses with their deeper desire to make their parents proud.
This might manifest in various ways, from forgetting a chore to dawdling instead of cleaning up their toys, or being unable to keep their hands or feet to themselves. When faced with misbehavior, it can be tempting to raise our voices. Yet, there’s a more constructive approach that preserves both your voice and your relationship with your child.
The first step is to understand that misbehavior often indicates a child struggling to cope. The second step is to kneel down to their level and say something like, “I can see you want to do your best right now. How can I assist you with that?” Phrasing it this way, or similarly, can make a significant impact. It invites them to strive for their best without shaming or humiliating them. You’re essentially affirming their inherent goodness and willingness to improve, while also offering your support.
Isn’t that our primary role as parents? To nurture the best in our children, helping them cultivate the drive and skills necessary to reach their full potential? Fear-based obedience does not yield true motivation. While some children may comply to avoid their parent’s anger, this isn’t genuine motivation; it’s merely a reaction to fear.
Authoritarian parenting often misinterprets respect as fear. Those living under authoritarian regimes follow rules out of fear of consequences, which can be detrimental. Similarly, instilling obedience through intimidation does not foster genuine respect. I aspire for my children to obey and develop self-discipline because they recognize the value of my guidance, trust my experiences, and feel an intrinsic desire to excel—not because they fear me.
If I fail to treat my child as someone striving to do the right thing, what message am I sending? That they are flawed or broken? That their challenges are inherent deficiencies in their character? Each of us is on a path to become our best selves, and our children are no different—they are just learning the fundamental skills to navigate this journey.
When we keep this perspective in mind and communicate accordingly, our children will sense our belief in their ability to change and our willingness to assist them.
However, it’s not always simple. We are all imperfect beings raising other imperfect beings, and frustration is a natural response. But as the adults, we must model self-control, faith, and encouragement. If we can’t manage our reactions, how can we expect our children to manage theirs in the face of life’s challenges?
Kids are learning and they often struggle. They need our guidance to do their best and our belief in their capabilities. Parenting is tough, just as being a child can be. By modeling patience and support, we all work towards becoming our best selves.
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In summary, instead of resorting to yelling, consider how you can help your child. By fostering an environment of support and understanding, you empower them to grow and thrive.