It took me over a decade to fully grasp the risks associated with my manic episodes. My experience with depression was long and familiar, filled with nights of sorrow and numbness. However, mania was a term I had only heard—never truly understood. Then it struck me.
My first encounter with mania was overwhelming, beginning innocently with an exhilarating rush of joy and energy. I felt as if I were floating through life, colors intensified and the world around me crackling with electricity. Ideas flooded my mind faster than I could write them down. I was filled with inspiration and creativity, believing I had finally found my calling.
In that fervor, I decided to drop out of school to pursue writing my book, “Superwoman Unmasked.” Despite my advisor’s pleas to reconsider, I was determined. Bursting with energy, I produced thousands of words in days. They were chaotic and nonsensical, but at the time, I felt unstoppable and brilliant. I even impulsively contemplated starting my own literary magazine.
This high energy led me to embrace a lifestyle of excess. I drank, danced, and reveled in the persona I created. I was charismatic and social, convinced that I had found happiness. But soon, the mood shifted. My exhilaration morphed into irritability and anger. I began to drink more heavily and sleep even less.
My choices became riskier; I took on a new identity, becoming a dancer named Jasmine. Engaging in impulsive sexual encounters in public spaces became a norm, with my then-boyfriend and I often pushing boundaries. Despite knowing I was spiraling, I felt invincible, racing towards what I believed was an endless high. But then reality hit hard—I found myself self-harming in desperation.
Many, including myself, mistakenly view mania as simple elation. Yet, it encompasses irritability, impulsivity, and a disregard for safety. It was only after 14 years and numerous episodes that I recognized the true dangers of my condition, compounded by the fact that I wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar disorder until I reached 33, well after my first manic episode.
While there are fleeting moments when I long for the creativity and inspiration that mania brought, I am acutely aware of the risks involved. I must remain on my medications—antidepressants, antipsychotics, and anxiety medications—to ensure stability for my family, my husband, and my daughter. I strive for balance, hoping each day will be manageable and that I will be okay.
For those seeking guidance on fertility and related topics, resources like Facts About Fertility provide valuable insights. Additionally, if you’re interested in enhancing your chances of conception, consider checking out Make A Mom’s Fertility Supplements for more information. And for a deeper dive into the world of home insemination, explore our post here.
In summary, my journey through mania and its repercussions has taught me valuable lessons about mental health, the need for treatment, and the importance of understanding one’s own mind.