When I first met my future husband, I was eager for intimacy at any hour. Morning, noon, or night—whether it was in the office or on the living room floor, I was all in. Fast forward to after the birth of our first child, and my priorities shifted dramatically. Suddenly, sex was relegated to the bottom of the list, somewhere around “organize the pantry” and far below “catch up on sleep.” Exhaustion set in, compounded by the challenges of postpartum and breastfeeding. By 8 p.m. each night, I was completely touched out.
On most evenings, the best we could manage was holding hands beneath the covers, praying our baby would sleep for a blessed four hours. Just when we thought we had it under control, we welcomed another child, and then another. The vibrant sex life we once took for granted became a distant memory. The reality was far from our expectations; we weren’t having sex nearly as often as we desired or anticipated, regardless of how many children we had.
A recent survey by the British organization Help-Link, which focused on the gap between parental expectations and reality, confirms that we are not alone. After polling 2,000 expectant parents and an additional 2,000 current parents, the results reveal a significant divide in perceptions regarding marriage and intimacy.
Before becoming parents, 92 percent of couples believed they would maintain their love for one another after welcoming children. Sixty-one percent anticipated a fulfilling sex life, dreaming of date nights three times a month and intimacy three times a week. I can’t help but chuckle at this—my husband and I are fortunate if we manage a single outing each month, and let’s be honest, a trip to the grocery store without kids counts as a date. As for sex three times a week? That’s a laugh. I can barely manage to floss consistently.
It’s not a lack of desire; rather, the demands of parenting tend to diminish libido. Infants wake you multiple times each night, leaving you drained during the day. As toddlers, they resist sleep and often invade your bed. Even as they grow into semi-independent tweens, the constant physical demands and emotional worries take a toll on your relationship. Parenting leaves little room for intimacy.
Before having kids, it’s hard to grasp this reality. Even if you’ve heard the warnings, you’re convinced they don’t apply to you. You genuinely believe that parenthood will strengthen your bond as a couple, despite research suggesting otherwise. You can’t fathom a scenario where desire diminishes.
Moreover, the parents who struggle to find time for intimacy? Surely, they must not be as enamored with each other as you are, right? After all, they probably didn’t create a master plan for quality time while the baby naps. It seems simple—until you experience it firsthand.
The survey reveals that nearly a quarter of parents feel dissatisfied with their romantic lives, and one in five report that sex has become nearly non-existent. These numbers align with the findings that 57 percent of parents no longer have regular date nights, 31 percent claim they have fallen out of love, and 18 percent have even considered ending their relationships altogether.
While these statistics may appear discouraging, it doesn’t mean you must accept an unhappy marriage or a lackluster sex life until your children are grown. Although regular date nights may seem out of reach, carving out a few minutes each day for one-on-one conversations can foster connection. As noted by author Emily Johnson in an interview with TODAY Parents, these small moments can be crucial for a long-lasting relationship. Alternatively, consider crafting a relationship bucket list, inspired by couples like Jay and Bey, to help rekindle that spark.
When it comes to intimacy, psychotherapist David Miller, author of Love in the Time of Parenthood, suggests treating it like any other important task. He emphasizes the need to prioritize it—not as a chore, but as a valuable experience.
So, all I need to do is elevate “sex” on my to-do list and voilà—marital bliss is mine for the taking? If that’s the solution, I might just have to postpone cleaning out the fridge. But first, I could really use those seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.
For more insights on navigating relationships and parenting, check out this informative blog post and explore resources on pregnancy and fertility supplements.
Summary
A new study highlights the stark contrast between the romantic expectations of parents before and after having children. Many couples find their sex lives significantly diminished due to the demands of parenting. While statistics show widespread dissatisfaction, experts suggest simple strategies to reconnect, like prioritizing regular communication and planning special activities together.