My husband, Mark, sits across from me, nursing a beer as I suppress my distaste for it. “I’m not a fan of beer,” I say, hoping to evoke a hint of sympathy. But he doesn’t need to feel sorry for me; we’re already bracing ourselves for the journey ahead with a child who will have special needs. The world’s sympathies are already pouring in.
Our waiter clears away the crumbs from our table with a tool that resembles a device from my OB’s office. He takes his sweet time—the crumbs seem endless, much like the flatbread itself. A wave of nausea washes over me. I feel as though I’ve barely eaten, my blood sugar plummeting. I want to lay my head down, a silent plea to the universe for a moment of respite.
I recall the previous month’s gestational diabetes test—the dreaded test that spiraled into an unplanned ultrasound, an emergency visit to a maternal-fetal specialist, and an amniocentesis. We are now in limbo, waiting on the Mayo Clinic to decipher the anomalies in our baby’s chromosomes.
“Dessert?” Mark asks, holding out a small menu, his voice laced with enthusiasm akin to a game show host revealing a grand prize. I take it from him, hoping it might inspire a thought that doesn’t start with “What are the odds…”
Around us, couples hold hands, illuminated by the harsh fluorescent lights and flickering candles. I scan the room—one, two, three couples, all entwined as if starring in a romantic comedy. Yet, I can’t help but notice that no one ever casts a pregnant woman with a soon-to-be special needs child in a love story. Nearby, someone dips a marshmallow into a pot of melted chocolate.
“Let’s order fondue,” I finally say, my first complete thought of the evening.
Mark’s face lights up, as if I’ve just agreed to marry him again. I imagine it must have been similar to the glow he had when he proposed five years ago on a moonlit beach, armed with a headlamp to ensure he could slip the ring onto my finger. In many ways, he is my lighthouse; he has weathered our struggles with infertility far better than I. I am the planner, the navigator, and he’s the dreamer, but together our challenges have fortified our bond.
We have confronted numerous trials—the IUIs, IVFs, and more—and emerged united, like soldiers in a battle. I understand that many couples don’t make it through such struggles; divorce rates are high in both the infertility and special needs communities. I’m aware of this—after all, I’ve done my research. I observe Mark closely, the shadows beneath his eyes, the scruffy beard that has turned coarse, and his obsession with Chapstick that has turned into a dependency. My own appearance reflects our journey; my hair has started to gray, my hands tremble slightly as I stab a banana slice. We look worn and tired, remnants of that elusive pregnancy glow faded.
By now, I’ve become almost numb to calamity. To an outsider, we appear to be just another couple eagerly anticipating parenthood, our faces softened by the candlelight.
Little do I know that nearly one month from this moment, our son will be born at thirty weeks, coinciding with the call from the Mayo Clinic, as if their news was a starting gun. As I dip my finger into the fondue pot, I’m blissfully ignorant of Beckwith-Wiedemann syndrome, tracheostomy care, or what “cerebral palsy” truly entails. I don’t know that my son will have curly blond hair and eyes as green as fresh moss. I can’t predict he’ll be left-handed like me, a music lover, a voracious reader, or a devoted fan of his iPad, where screen time limitations will be a distant dream. I have no inkling that his laughter will become the focal point of our lives.
On this Valentine’s Day, I don’t understand the kind of mother I will evolve into—one who advocates fiercely, educates, and breaks down barriers. All I grasp is that I married Mark, we are bringing this child into the world, and even without holding hands, that’s enough.
This is not a love story; it’s a life story.
For more insights on navigating similar journeys, you can explore resources like this article on home insemination or check out Make A Mom for expert advice on fertility. Another excellent resource is Rmany, which covers topics related to pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
This narrative reveals the complex emotional landscape of a couple facing the challenges of impending parenthood while dealing with the uncertainty of a child’s special needs. Through a candid dinner scene, the author reflects on their journey marked by infertility and the strength of their marriage, highlighting that their story, while not a romantic tale, is rich with life and love.