Parenting
By Jenna Roberts
February 13, 2018
It had to be his younger sibling’s beloved Lego Star Destroyer that met its demise. Four-year-old Charlie found it captivating, perhaps shiny or intriguing in a way only a child can perceive. He started dismantling it piece by piece, scattering the components throughout the house.
When ten-year-old Ethan discovered the chaos, he was overwhelmed with anger and heartbreak. After all, it was the Lego Star Destroyer that had taken him three painstaking days to assemble with his dad’s assistance. It was his pride and joy, a monumental creation that was now in ruins at the hands of his little brother.
I held Ethan close as he cried. Meanwhile, his father diligently collected the pieces and began putting it back together, a task made easier by the memory of its original assembly. We offered quiet reassurances, murmuring supportive phrases like “I understand” and “Daddy will fix it.” Because he was furious, and we need to remember: being the oldest child is not easy.
We often forget the weight of expectations we place on our oldest children, who are still so small. I can relate; I was the oldest sibling by just eighteen months, and that was challenging enough. My brother always wanted to mimic my actions. Ethan frequently laments how his younger siblings are always eager to join in on his activities. If he’s building with Legos, they suddenly want to be part of it too. This has led to us purchasing simpler Lego sets for the four-year-old, but he still insists on having Ethan assemble them for him. There’s something about having an older sibling do it that makes it feel more special. Ethan, being a patient older brother, complies, but the constant stream of requests and unsolicited advice can quickly become tiresome.
Both of Ethan’s younger siblings are eager to partake in his games, especially one they’ve dubbed “Mini-Guy Battle,” a complex mix of Revolutionary-War, pirate, and skeleton plastic soldiers that involves popsicle-stick barriers and Lincoln Log armor. The rules are intricate and often perplexing for anyone older than ten.
Inevitably, something will go awry, resulting in one of his brothers erupting into tears and fleeing the room in distress. More often than not, it’s the six-year-old who is the first to cry. They desperately want to play, yet seem to bend the rules to their advantage. Ethan is then left with a battlefield of fallen mini-soldiers and scattered Lincoln Logs, knowing he’s the one responsible for tidying it up.
Being the oldest often means taking on the role of the chief cleaner. When we reach our wit’s end with lightsabers strewn across the living room, swords littering the bathroom floor, and blocks creating a maze down the hallway, we inevitably turn to Ethan and declare, “You’ll clean this up, or I will—and I’ll bring a trash bag.” The burden tends to fall primarily on him.
We don’t intend for it to be this way, but his younger brothers, while well-meaning, often get sidetracked and forget about cleaning. So, Ethan finds himself cleaning while they run around and play, only to ignore our reminders unless we oversee them like drill sergeants.
“I don’t like Charlie and Ben very much when it’s time to clean up,” Ethan confides. I can’t blame him; I wouldn’t like it either.
I experienced similar frustrations as a child. My father held me responsible for a shared messy room for years, despite my protests that my brother was equally to blame. The arguments persisted, and my brother would often smile innocently from behind my father. When I moved to the attic, my room remained tidy, while my brother’s stayed in disarray. Eventually, my father apologized.
As the eldest, additional duties and responsibilities are thrust upon you without the privileges of being young. Ethan often sees his brothers receiving extra affection—they’re both smaller for their ages, and I frequently pick them up or hold their hands as we cross the street. Meanwhile, he is expected to walk alongside us or help his brothers. Ethan doesn’t get to ride in the shopping cart anymore, nor does he enjoy bedtime stories as he once did, now that he can read on his own.
Ethan certainly receives love and cuddles, but it’s different. He no longer climbs into our bed at night, and as a physically affectionate child, I can tell he misses those moments of closeness. Recently, he reminisced about being swaddled: “I don’t remember what it felt like,” he said wistfully, “but I know it felt good.” My heart broke a little.
We strive to compensate for this by including him in more mature activities. I attempted to involve him in training our German Shepherd, but he lacked the patience for it. However, now that he has expressed an interest in sewing, we are working together on a patchwork quilt, one square at a time. I buy him books without pictures that his brothers won’t ruin, and we let him play video games that are more age-appropriate for him. We even let him watch shows that his younger siblings dislike. We try to provide him with little gifts that cater to his interests, acknowledging the challenges he faces.
It is essential to recognize the unique struggles of being the oldest child. To fully appreciate and nurture our eldest children, we must remember their challenges and provide them with the love and understanding they deserve. This aspect of their identity significantly shapes who they are and who they will become. We wouldn’t change a thing about them—especially not Ethan—yet, in the midst of our concerns for the middle child or the youngest being overly pampered, the oldest often gets overlooked.
Ethan was the first child to make me a mother. He entered the world after hours of labor, surprising the doctor with his sudden arrival. I loved him the moment I laid eyes on him—my firstborn, my life-changing little one. It can be tough to walk the path he does, and I strive to honor that, just as I cherished that first cry and first embrace. Being the eldest can be challenging, and as parents—especially those of us who were once the oldest ourselves—we must remember that.
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In summary, being the oldest child comes with its own unique set of challenges. The eldest often bears the weight of expectations and responsibilities while feeling overlooked and longing for the same affection that younger siblings receive. Acknowledging these struggles is essential for creating a supportive and loving family environment.