Dear Family,
This letter has been long overdue, and I accept that I should have expressed my thoughts much sooner. I have often stayed silent out of privilege, but I can no longer do so. I regret not speaking up the first time I heard derogatory terms used during our family gatherings. A simple “please don’t use that word around me” or even walking away was never adequate.
I am also accountable for not addressing the realization that your blatant bigotry isn’t just a lack of awareness but a choice you actively embrace. I remember being just seven or eight when I first heard you make a joke about the history of racism, speaking casually about how “every southern family has a secret.” It’s troubling to think that you treat the painful history of slavery as a mere joke, as if the mixing of races through heinous acts was an embarrassment to our family legacy rather than a source of shame.
What’s worse is your pride in associating with a past that doesn’t even belong to us. Our family came to this country as struggling immigrants, and the idea that we should take pride in the actions of others is baffling. You seem to take comfort in the fact that someone, somewhere, has owned slaves, as if that somehow elevates our status.
Recently, I changed my last name to honor my grandmother, a woman whose legacy I wish to carry forward. This change reflects my desire to break away from patriarchal systems that do not represent me. I chose to keep my son’s last name connected to yours, not because I value your legacy, but out of a misguided wish to keep peace. However, I now realize that true peace cannot exist alongside racism and patriarchy.
I want to create a new narrative for my son, one where he understands the importance of love and equality. I encourage those of you who do not hold these discriminatory beliefs to stand alongside me, even if it means confronting your own partners. Some of you supported me when I came out as queer, but I can’t help but feel that your acceptance was conditional.
Bigotry is not a trivial issue; it is a defining aspect of a person’s character. You cannot be “a little bit” racist or sexist. From now on, I will not tolerate any racist, sexist, or patriarchal language or actions in my presence. I need to set an example for my son about standing against intolerance.
I had hoped that avoiding conflict would allow you to reconsider your views over time, but I’ve come to understand that silence is not the answer. My son is observant and deserves to see me standing firm against injustice, regardless of the discomfort it may cause. You have always known my stance, but I plan to be more vocal about it moving forward.
Your so-called good intentions mean little in the face of the harm your words and actions perpetuate. I intend to challenge you every time you display your prejudices, no matter how subtle. Your niceness cannot overshadow the impact of the hateful ideologies you propagate.
As I take my son’s last name, I sever yet another tie to the legacy of prejudices I refuse to endorse. This is not just a personal decision; it is a reminder that your views will not continue through my family. If your past racism has not cost you anything before, let it cost you this.
This letter serves as a warning for our future interactions during family gatherings. It is also a personal apology to society for my role in enabling these harmful ideologies and a call to action for change within my immediate family.
If you find yourself resonating with this message and have yet to voice your own, I urge you to do so.
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In conclusion, I hope this letter fosters understanding and sparks meaningful change within our family.