Yesterday unfolded like any other typical day. I woke up, took a shower, and got ready to handle the morning rush. Meanwhile, my husband, Jake, also got himself ready and took the dogs for a walk. After loading the kids into the car, we dropped them off at daycare, went through our workday, and then picked them back up.
Upon returning home, Jake took our toddler to see the puppies, who was immediately excited and chanting “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!” I managed to take off the baby’s jacket, as well as my own, and hung them up in the closet. I also put my shoes away—this detail will be important shortly. After changing my clothes, I began to clear off the clutter from the kitchen table. Once I finished, I took the baby to the living room to play.
That was when the series of events began to unfold. Jake returned from the basement with our toddler, removed his jacket and shoes, and carelessly left them on the kitchen table. He then plopped down to grab a snack for himself—yes, you heard that right, a snack just for him. At that moment, I asked him, “Can you please help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As I uttered those words, a wave of realization washed over me. I was essentially asking for a favor, when in fact, it was his responsibility as a parent. Suddenly, everything became clear: these requests were misphrased. He’s not just “helping me out.” He is an adult and my partner. I vocalized my thoughts, stating, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me; it’s simply putting your child’s things away.” He didn’t respond verbally but complied and put everything away.
From that day forward, I resolved to stop framing my requests as “helping me out” unless it really was a favor, like dealing with a gigantic bug that appeared to be straight from a horror movie. Here’s why:
1. It Undermines His Worth.
Jake is a fully capable adult. He shouldn’t be seen merely as my assistant or someone who needs to be guided to be useful. If something needs to be done that he hasn’t noticed, I can bring it to his attention, but it’s not about me—it’s about maintaining a busy household. Just as he asks me to get the baby a bottle without implying it’s for him, I shouldn’t view him as my helper.
2. It Places Unfair Burden on Me.
I do not bear the sole responsibility for managing our home or caring for our children. By using phrases like “help me out,” I inadvertently take on that burden. There are many things I’d prefer to own in life—a luxurious yacht, an extravagant car, or a machine that does my laundry. However, being 100% responsible for our household and kids isn’t one of them; I want an equal share of that.
3. It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Children.
I do not wish for my sons to grow up thinking that simply putting the toilet seat down is doing their partner a favor. I want them to understand that sharing responsibilities and taking pride in their contributions is what being a partner truly means.
4. It Erodes Our Partnership.
Jake is my equal and my partner. While we may have different approaches to tasks, what matters is our teamwork in creating a happy and healthy family. I don’t want to overstep and treat him as someone who just helps me out. His role is not just to assist me; he is a father and a partner.
So, the next time I find Jake’s clean laundry sitting in the dryer for days, instead of asking for help with folding it so I can wash the kids’ clothes, I’ll simply tell him to move his things out of my way.
For more insights on family dynamics and home insemination, check out this blog. Additionally, if you’re looking for authoritative information on parenting and family planning, this resource is a great option. You can also learn about pregnancy options at Resolve.
In summary, recognizing the equal partnership in a relationship can greatly impact the dynamics of family life. By shifting the language we use, we can foster a healthier environment for our children to grow up in and encourage them to take pride in their shared responsibilities.