Over the past 18 months, my partner and I have navigated some significant challenges in our marriage. After spending 18 years as a couple and 22 years together, our relationship had become riddled with resentment and frustration. Following a particularly heated argument a year and a half ago, we decided to take proactive steps to rebuild our marriage. We sought the help of a counselor and committed ourselves to the hard work of improving our communication and emotional expression.
Despite the numerous counseling sessions we’ve attended, one topic has never surfaced. Neither my partner nor I have ever suggested that our marital struggles stem from our physical appearances or weight. In short, my weight has never been a reason for him to consider leaving, and the same applies for me.
As anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows, weight can fluctuate. Both my partner and I have experienced ups and downs on the scale. After having children, those cozy nights spent enjoying ice cream and wine can be less than kind to our bodies. However, my partner has been with me through the full range of my body changes—from my wedding day in a size 2 dress to the end of two pregnancies. Regardless of whether my yoga pants have become a bit snugger, he continues to express his love for me.
When we faced the reality of our marital issues, we recognized that our relationship is about much more than how we look. Our marriage has evolved over time, along with our bodies. In therapy, we have focused on fostering trust and kindness once again. When I look into his eyes, I see the man I fell in love with—not the number on the scale.
In moments of marital crisis, the weight on the scale is the least of our worries. Recently, celebrity chef Marcus Lee revealed he lost 56 pounds after his wife, Laura, issued a stark ultimatum: lose the weight or face divorce. In an interview, Marcus admitted he felt uncomfortable in his own skin, and his wife’s dissatisfaction with his appearance pushed him to change.
While I don’t know Marcus and Laura’s relationship personally, I find it disheartening when a public figure implies that physical appearance could jeopardize a marriage. Marriage is about so much more than a few extra pounds. I suspect that very few couples are on the brink of divorce solely due to weight gain. Sure, there are exceptions where serious health issues or emotional struggles come into play, but I doubt many therapists are addressing marital discord stemming from thirty extra pounds.
Furthermore, body shaming is a serious issue. There are ways to have conversations about health with love and empathy, but issuing ultimatums based on weight is neither compassionate nor effective. I don’t fault Laura for her feelings about attraction, nor do I blame Marcus for wanting to align with his wife’s lifestyle. We all wish for our partners to be their healthiest selves.
However, it trivializes the complexities of marriage to suggest that physical appearance is a valid reason for divorce. It’s vital to acknowledge that marriage struggles are profound and multifaceted. Why not frame it as, “My marriage is facing challenges, and I’m working on my overall health to be a better partner”? It’s unnecessary to cast your partner in a negative light and give the impression that they are vain.
My partner and I have faced significant trials, and working through them has helped me see past superficial concerns like weight loss. If Marcus is genuinely facing divorce due to his wife’s opinion of his appearance, I feel sympathy for both of them. Marriage is profoundly more complex than a number on a scale.
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