I vividly recall standing in my kitchen, the night before my eldest child was set to begin kindergarten. I was sobbing. Picture the classic hot-mess-ugly-cry scenario—swollen eyes and all. My heart was heavy with anxiety for him, consumed by thoughts of his future happiness and success. This is the reality of motherhood.
A recent study published in The Journals of Gerontology sheds light on this feeling (and by “light,” I mean it also adds a touch of gloom). It appears that even as I journey through middle age (which, thankfully, is still some time off), my emotional well-being will remain intertwined with my children’s experiences.
As a woman with a close relationship with my parents, I can relate to this phenomenon. Parenting is a lifelong commitment. If I fall ill, my mother’s worry travels across state lines, leaving her restless until she knows I’m okay. It’s no surprise that my worries about my children making friends or being chosen for games at recess will linger, even years down the line. Exciting, isn’t it?
The research, led by Dr. Sarah Thompson, a professor of Human Development at the University of Texas, indicates that “parents often perceive their children as extensions of themselves, even into adulthood.” Consequently, when adult children encounter challenges, their parents may experience a dip in their own happiness. Conversely, a child’s success can elevate a parent’s spirits.
That’s precisely what I felt that fateful August night four years ago. Preparing my son for the world of full-day kindergarten was my responsibility, and his achievements felt like reflections of my own efforts. Although I don’t yet have adult children, I can fully grasp that mindset—our children represent our labor, our hopes, and our dreams. Their triumphs become ours, and their setbacks weigh heavily on us.
The study further reveals that parents with multiple children find their happiness more significantly impacted by one child’s struggles rather than the successes of their other children. Following the adage, “A mother is only as happy as her least happy child,” if I have two successful children but one who continually faces obstacles, I’m more likely to find myself crying into my morning coffee while flipping through my AARP magazine.
When our children face difficulties, it often feels like a personal failure on our part. This is just the nature of parenting. We might also worry about their future ability to care for us—after all, we’ve invested so much time and effort into raising them. By the time they reach adulthood, the expectation is that the roles will reverse, right? We survived the chaos of toddler and teenage years, and now it’s our time to enjoy life—perhaps cruising or lounging on a lanai like a Golden Girl. Thus, when drama arises, it can be quite taxing on our weary souls.
So, here’s my takeaway from this study, and what I wish to convey to my kids:
Dear children, I want you to thrive and avoid significant missteps. Explore the world and do meaningful things. Then, please come visit me, enjoy some Jell-O, play Bingo, and share your adventures. However, if you encounter struggles, as I did at times, know that I’m here for you. When you fall, my heart will break alongside yours. But rest assured, I’ve been navigating this since you strolled into school with a Paw Patrol backpack at five years old. I understand the journey.
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In summary, our emotional state as parents is closely linked to our children’s happiness. Whether they soar or stumble, we feel their experiences deeply. As we navigate these challenges, it’s essential to remember that we are in this together, and support is always available.