To the single woman who feels like she’s thrown in the towel on love, yet still yearns for companionship: I want to share something with you. While I’m happily married now, I once found myself in your position—feeling disillusioned and ready to give up on dating altogether.
For years in my late 20s and early 30s, I embraced being single. I wish I could say it was due to high standards, but that wasn’t the case. I didn’t even realize the importance of having standards until I made one poor relationship choice after another.
It’s perfectly fine to take a break from seeking a relationship or to want to dodge the complications that come with them. If you’re thriving in your single life and prefer it that way, that’s wonderful. However, if you find yourself wishing for a partner, I want you to know that finding love isn’t a lost cause—even if it feels like loneliness is your forever companion.
There’s a notion floating around that to secure a lasting relationship, you have to “settle.” But what does that truly mean? Does it mean compromising on your desire for a loving, committed partner? Absolutely not. However, it might require you to accept some quirks or unusual habits that your potential partner possesses.
I’m certainly not a flawless partner. I can be moody, disorganized, and a bit controlling. Throughout my life, I made regrettable choices in relationships, including marrying someone who was abusive and battling addiction—leading to a divorce. After that, I found myself in an affair with another married man who was also abusive. My attempts at online dating didn’t yield the results I had hoped for either.
It became clear that I was struggling in the romance department. I believed I didn’t deserve anything better than the choices I was making, which cost me dearly in both time and hope for a fulfilling partnership. I thought I was destined for loneliness, convinced there was something inherently flawed about me that kept me from experiencing healthy relationships. The truth is, I simply needed to reassess my expectations and focus on becoming healthy and whole on my own first.
Every one of us has our imperfections. Someone you perceive as less attractive, intelligent, or “together” might easily find a loving partner. It’s not merely about what you bring to the table. You could be the most accomplished, witty, and organized person out there yet still struggle to find love.
Is the issue you? Them? The answer is a bit of both. Everyone carries their own baggage that can impede their ability to connect with a potential partner. Some have trust issues to address, while others may struggle to express their needs effectively. It’s also common for people to cling tightly to a specific ideal of a partner that may need to be relaxed.
If you genuinely seek a long-term relationship, you might have to face some initial discomfort. This may mean expressing your feelings when you’d rather stay silent, compromising on long-held expectations, or accepting the idiosyncrasies of another person.
There will never be a “perfect” moment or the “ideal” person. If you confine yourself to your comfort zone without venturing out or meeting new people, love may never find you. Push yourself beyond your limits. Engage with the world. If that feels daunting, consider reputable dating sites.
Be open to possibilities that deviate from your preconceived notions of what a partner should be. My current partner didn’t match my usual type, yet agreeing to go on a date with him turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
I’m not suggesting you should “settle.” What I am saying is that if you want to find someone who genuinely cares for you, celebrates your achievements, and loves you for who you are, you’ll need to learn to accept their flaws just as you hope yours will be accepted. You may also need to embrace the idea of taking a chance.
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In summary, embracing vulnerability and being open to unexpected possibilities can lead you to the loving relationship you desire.