As my daughter prepares for her second middle school dance next week, conversations among adults swirl around nostalgic memories, outfits, and logistics. But one recurring sentiment has caught my attention: “My son is so anxious. I really wish the girls would just say yes to anyone who asks. It’s only a dance.” I’ve been approached several times with the request to encourage my daughter to dance with any boy who asks, as if it’s merely a casual event.
Absolutely not.
Let me clarify: My daughter is free to decline any dance requests throughout the evening. She is not obligated to dance with your son simply because he feels nervous, because he’s a decent kid, or because he extended an invitation. She doesn’t owe him anything, not even for the sake of politeness or because “it’s just a dance.”
While you may be shielding your son from a momentary disappointment, I am focused on empowering my daughter to navigate her own boundaries for a lifetime.
The Importance of Saying No
I don’t believe your son harbors any ill intentions; that’s not the crux of the issue. This is about teaching my daughter the vital skill of trusting her instincts and saying “no” when she feels uncomfortable. It’s about giving her the confidence to decline a date she isn’t interested in, refuse an unwanted drink, or confront an inappropriate situation. The #MeToo movement has illuminated a harsh reality: sexual harassment and assault permeate our society, something women have long understood.
Understanding Consent
I have no doubt your son is a good kid; mine certainly is too. Yes, it takes courage to ask someone to dance at this age, but that doesn’t mean my daughter should feel pressured to say yes if she’s not comfortable. The lessons around consent begin on the dance floor, if not earlier. It’s crucial that every 12-year-old boy learns that an invitation does not equate to entitlement.
This dance dilemma reflects a larger cultural issue: teaching boys that girls should always comply fosters expectations that undermine respect for boundaries. Conversely, teaching girls to acquiesce, even when they’d prefer not to, risks conditioning them to prioritize a boy’s feelings over their own well-being—a dangerous precedent for future relationships and professional settings. Saying yes to maintain harmony or for the sake of being nice can lead to a lifetime of compromising their own preferences.
Raising Respectful Boys
Meanwhile, my son is gearing up for his fourth middle school dance. He’ll socialize with his friends, both boys and girls, and might even dance. He understands the dynamics of the gym floor differ for him than they do for a girl. If someone declines his invitation, he recognizes that it’s perfectly acceptable. It’s her choice, and he’s learning to respect that “no” while grasping the concept of consent before it becomes tied to more serious matters.
So yes, your son is a nice kid, and it’s “just a dance.” However, that’s not sufficient. What starts as “just a dance” can lead to “just a drink,” “just a date,” and “just another encounter” where boundaries may be blurred. Understanding consent begins with recognizing the power of “no” on the dance floor, and it’s imperative that we instill this knowledge in all our children.
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In summary, fostering an environment that encourages respect and understanding of personal boundaries is essential for our children. Teaching them the importance of consent begins early, and events like school dances provide a perfect opportunity for these valuable lessons.