When asked about the number of children I have, my response is typically four. This simple answer often triggers a series of questions from the inquirer, who quickly notices that I don’t always have four children physically present with me.
Common Questions and Assumptions
“Are the others with the grandparents?” is a common question, often posed by older adults eager to share their grandparent pride. Another frequent query is, “Is Dad watching the other one?”—this tends to come from curious middle-aged women, perhaps hoping to glean some juicy gossip. They usually glance at my hands, noting that I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger. (As a side note: fathers don’t “babysit”; they parent just like mothers do.)
Then there are those who remark, “Traveling light today? Four kids is quite a handful!”—a statement from what I like to call the No Shit Sherlocks, who feel compelled to state the obvious in a way that reinforces their beliefs about the challenges of having four children. Ironically, many of these individuals also oppose access to free birth control.
The Painful Truth
Usually, the conversation takes a deeper turn when I share my most painful truth: my oldest son passed away when he was just five years old. November 3, 2011, remains etched in my memory as the worst day of my life. What we thought was a lingering cold turned out to be something far more sinister, leaving a devastating impact on our family. The emotional fallout from that loss has affected everyone involved, creating a ripple effect of grief and change.
While I’ve lived without him longer than I had him, articulating that loss—especially to strangers—remains a profound challenge. Many people only seek personal details to add to their bank of gossip, turning deep sorrow into trivial chatter. The idea that my pain could be reduced to mere gossip is unbearable. Yet, when asked about my children, I cannot omit him. To say I have three children would feel like a betrayal. Although he is no longer here, he remains a part of me and my family.
Grief is Personal
This journey of grief is personal and unique; my father, who lost his only son, often answered such questions by saying, “I still have these two at home.” I understand that response. Highlighting such profound loss at another’s whim can leave one feeling exposed. Grieving is not a one-size-fits-all process, and there are no definitive rules for how to navigate parenting after losing a child. My way is simply my own.
He will always be included in my count, and so I say it proudly: I have four children.
Resources for Further Reading
For more on related topics, check out this resource on pregnancy and consider looking into home insemination kits for your own journey.
Conclusion
In summary, my response to the question of how many children I have encompasses both my living children and the one who is no longer with us. Grief is deeply personal, and while sharing it with strangers can be challenging, it’s essential to honor the memory of those we’ve lost.