You know, looking back, I should have recognized the signs that I was worth more than what I was getting. For instance, whenever his favorite song, “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, played on the radio, he would belt out the lyrics as if they were his anthem. But I ignored it.
I should have taken note of his late nights, his early departures, and the occasional scent of someone else’s perfume clinging to him. He always had an excuse, of course; I must be imagining things. Somehow, he had the knack for making me second-guess my own instincts.
Reflecting on the past, I realize I should have understood my worth, especially since he had cheated on me before when we were younger. Naive as I was, I believed in his declarations of love and thought he had changed. I wanted to hold onto that hope, convinced that facing the truth would be too painful to bear.
I should have noticed the decline in his affection. What started as three times a week devolved into sporadic encounters, once or twice a month at best. He even stopped complimenting me, which was painful to acknowledge. I was still taking care of myself, but I was so engrossed in raising our children that I failed to see the erosion of our connection. I convinced myself it was just a rough patch—bad days stretched into bad months until I simply stopped recognizing the reality of my situation.
Then there were the moments of intimacy that dwindled to almost nothing, and yet I’d find him watching porn frequently. My heart broke at the sight, but I stayed. Deep down, I thought I deserved this treatment because I was “crazy” and “not pretty.” That was my mindset.
I also should have questioned why he always rushed to shower when he got home. Excuses piled up, and I believed every one of them.
The reality hit me when I was in my OB/GYN’s office, asked if either of us had other partners after developing more infections than any person should. I called him, seeking answers, but the same story prevailed. He was the only man I had ever been with, and I loved him. We had built a life together—children, a home, friendships, even a church community. But I chose to overlook the obvious signs.
It took me over eight years of marriage to finally confront the truth about who he was. However, it took an additional two years for me to rediscover myself. I remember the day I looked in the mirror and realized, “I’m not ugly.” I felt a wave of shame wash over me for allowing someone so unfeeling to convince me otherwise. I deserved love, respect, and a partner who could be faithful. I deserved to feel beautiful in my own skin. I should have known that … but I didn’t. Now I do.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, please recognize that you are worth so much more than you may think. The world won’t end if you choose to leave; in fact, it can feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I’ve lived through this, and I assure you, stepping away from such a toxic environment is liberating.
For more insights on relationships and self-worth, check out this thoughtful post on our blog. You can also find reputable resources for at-home insemination kits at Make a Mom, as well as excellent guidance for pregnancy and home insemination at Parents.
In summary, recognizing your worth is essential. You deserve love, respect, and happiness. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
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