The day I recognized that my child was “that” child was a pivotal moment in my journey as a parent. It was the moment I began to feel a sense of shame regarding my daughter’s behavior. I found myself questioning whether there was something wrong with her—or perhaps with me, as her mother, responsible for nurturing her into a kind human being.
It was an ordinary day during a playdate at our home with familiar friends we had invited countless times. My 5-year-old daughter and her 4-year-old friend were joyfully racing around the couch, playing tag. When my daughter struggled to catch her friend, she dramatically flung herself onto the floor, pouting and nearly in tears, exclaiming, “I can’t catch you! You have to slow down! If you don’t, I won’t play anymore!” In that moment, I glanced at her and let out a sigh, then looked at her friend, who was typically cheerful and easygoing. That’s when the realization struck me: my daughter is not easy to like.
This incident wasn’t an isolated occurrence; it was just one of many. Whether she’s alone, with her siblings, or with friends, my daughter often takes on the role of the bossy one. She’s the child who throws a tantrum in the store because I refuse to buy her a gymnastics leotard (a sport she doesn’t even participate in). Her quickness to cry, yell, and unleash tantrums was something I believed only toddlers could manage. She can be rude, moody, and possessive over every toy—whether it belongs to her or not. She insists on having things her way and becomes impossible when that doesn’t happen. Manipulative and self-centered, she never hesitates to express her thoughts and feelings. If she disapproves of something or someone, you’ll certainly hear about it. I usually avoid labels, but let’s be honest—she is spirited, strong-willed, and, at times, a brat. Each interaction with others feels like navigating a minefield, as I never know what might trigger her.
This predicament is especially challenging for a mother like me, who tends to be a people-pleaser. I strive to be kind, generous, and easy to get along with, and it pains me that my child doesn’t share those same values. People often assured me that things would improve as she grew out of her toddler years, but that hasn’t been the case for us. Now, she just screams louder and employs more complex vocabulary. Despite this, she has exhibited this behavior for as long as I can remember, and I don’t expect it to change anytime soon.
Watching her alongside her peers only highlights how different my determined, independent child is. She epitomizes what many would call a difficult child, and I desperately want to accept and love her for who she is. I don’t want to compare her to other kids, but I can’t help but wish she shared some of the sweetness and charm that other children possess.
For those of you who encounter my darling, spirited child, know that it’s perfectly understandable if you don’t like her. I often find it difficult to like her myself. As her mother, I love her because I’ve witnessed her at her best. I recognize her potential and her strengths. I see her efforts to make her baby brother laugh, the gentleness with which she interacts with our small dog, and her ability to confidently enter a room full of strangers while other children cling to their parents. I hear her whisper, “I love you, Mia,” to her little sister at bedtime and the way she politely introduces herself to new friends. I am showered with hugs, kisses, homemade gifts, and drawings where I’m portrayed as a beautiful princess. I know the wonderful child she can be.
But for you? You may spend only a fleeting moment, an hour, or a morning with her. If you’re fortunate, you might experience her charm and warmth. However, if luck isn’t on your side, you’ll find yourself dealing with her harsh remarks, mediating disputes over toys, blocking out her cries, and wishing you could escape. I apologize for this behavior. I’m genuinely trying.
I have to believe she is trying too, because on particularly good days, I can see her biting her tongue to avoid saying something inappropriate, which gives me hope that she will grow into a person of great character and integrity. Perhaps, one day, the thought of a playdate will fill me with anticipation rather than dread.
In the meantime, feel free to encourage your children to stand up to her, to assert themselves, and to fight for their toys. I won’t admit it publicly, but I wouldn’t mind if they gave her a little nudge. My daughter needs friends—though I fear her behavior might drive them away—but she also requires someone to help keep her grounded. My attempts at guidance (gentle reminders, reprimands, or even begging) seem to have fallen short. Maybe peer pressure will be just the thing she needs.
A mother can only hope.
For more insights, check out this article on home insemination, as well as resources from Make a Mom and Kindbody.
In summary, parenting a child who is challenging to appreciate can be heart-wrenching. The struggle to accept their differences while hoping they find their place among their peers is a common journey for many parents. I strive to love my child for who she is, despite the difficulties that arise.