Lifestyle
Navigating Friendship with Someone Who Has Depression
I’ve often heard the analogy of a frog in a pot of water: if you slowly heat the water, the frog remains blissfully unaware of the rising danger until it’s too late. This vivid image resonates with my own experience of battling clinical depression.
During my freshman year of college, I transformed from an upbeat, cheerful person into someone engulfed by an overwhelming sadness. Tasks that were once simple became insurmountable challenges. Taking a shower felt as exhausting as running a marathon, while attending classes seemed impossible. Eventually, I sought help and found myself in a psychiatrist’s office, where I opened up about the suffocating sadness that had taken over my life. After listening attentively, the doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression.
In retrospect, I was that frog, unaware of how my mental state was deteriorating. Fortunately, I have emerged from that dark period, but what stands out to me now is not just how depression affected me, but how it impacted my friendships.
Instead of offering their unconditional love, many friends attempted to downplay my feelings, fix my situation, or ignore the reality of my struggles. I understand their confusion; witnessing someone in pain can be bewildering. If I could turn back time, I would share with them how to provide genuine support. Since I can’t do that, I’m sharing my insights here to help others who may be in similar situations. Supporting a friend with depression doesn’t have to be complicated if a few principles are kept in mind.
Don’t Take Their Sadness Personally
If your friend suffered a physical injury, like a broken leg, you would likely empathize with their irritability and moodiness. You wouldn’t take their behavior as a personal affront because you recognize they are enduring pain. Similarly, while depression is an invisible illness, it causes real suffering. If your friend seems distant or difficult to be around, please remember that it’s not a reflection of you; they are genuinely unwell, and the recovery journey can be arduous.
Avoid Trying to “Fix” Them
It’s natural to want to help a friend who is struggling, but trying to “fix” their depression can often backfire. I had friends suggest that I should “count my blessings” or get more exercise, which only made me feel worse, as if I were ungrateful or lazy. It’s crucial to recognize that those of us grappling with depression don’t need fixing; we need support. What I longed for the most was simply the presence of my friends without any strings attached.
Be the Friend You’ve Always Been
Your friend may be facing a tough time, but they still value your friendship and wish to be treated as they always have been. Offer to grab coffee or prepare a meal for them. If you have time, helping with everyday tasks like laundry can be a tremendous relief. Regular check-ins, even without immediate responses, are important. Share your life updates with them; they will likely appreciate staying connected with you.
Treat your friend as if they are just as important and interesting as ever because they truly are. Cherish their presence in your life, because it means a lot to them.
As Brené Brown wisely said, “I carry a small sheet of paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter. To be on that list, you have to love me for my strengths and struggles.” This is what it ultimately comes down to—loving people for who they are, not in spite of their challenges.
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Summary
Supporting a friend with depression requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to be there for them without trying to solve their issues. Empathy is key, and treating them as the valuable person they are can make a significant difference in their recovery journey.