Parenting
Hello, I’m Emily, and I identify as a Recovering Caregiver. For far too long, I prioritized the needs of others over my own, believing this behavior was a virtuous sacrifice. I thought being constantly available—my phone always on—demonstrated my commitment to those around me.
This mindset was so deeply ingrained that during a flight safety announcement, when instructed to secure my own oxygen mask before assisting others, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt. “How selfish,” I thought, wishing I could laugh at my own naivety.
I considered myself a genuinely good person, yet I was often exhausted and filled with resentment. The truth was, I was nurturing everyone else while completely neglecting myself. Rather than caring for my own needs first, I believed I could find fulfillment in helping others, expecting them to reciprocate. This created a cycle of transactional affection—a love that sought validation and reward. A person who has neglected her own needs cannot offer love freely, no matter how hard she tries.
As my unfulfilled needs intensified, they morphed into an unhealthy dependency. The more I focused on supporting others, the more I lost sight of my own well-being. My soul was in turmoil, and I found myself anxiously waiting for someone to care for me as I had for them. I grew bitter, feeling invisible, yet I continued to serve, clinging to the hope that help would eventually come.
It took me over three decades to realize that no one was coming to my rescue. One afternoon, while driving home from work, I vented to myself about how hard I worked compared to others. I was exhausted, replaying my long list of contributions, which I believed justified my selfless image. Ironically, this same list was a source of my frustration and anger, reminding me that I felt overlooked.
Then, a startling revelation hit me: “Emily, no one will take care of you. If you don’t prioritize your own needs, no one else will.” The truth was painful and undeniable. I played back those words repeatedly. It wasn’t about being alone; it was a wake-up call to take responsibility for my own life. My misguided notion of selflessness was, in fact, a form of selfishness.
As a trained therapist, I knew I was responsible for my own well-being. I aim to exemplify a balanced life, knowing when to say “Yes” and “No” based on my own needs. Yet, my habit of placing others above myself had gone unnoticed for far too long.
That day, I understood that a person who cannot assert her own needs is trapped by her own unfulfilled desires. So, to all the Recovering Caregivers out there—those who say “Yes” when they truly mean “No” and are waiting for someone to come to their aid—remember to secure your own oxygen mask first. It’s impossible to offer genuine support to others without first attending to your own body, mind, and spirit.
As caregivers, the most impactful thing we can do is nurture ourselves first. Yes, prioritize you. If you need assistance, voice your needs. Let a trusted partner, friend, or mentor know how they can support you—don’t make them guess. Take ownership of your entire being because, dear caregiver, no one else will do it for you.
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In summary, the journey of caring for others begins with self-care. By prioritizing your own needs, you create a foundation for genuinely supporting those around you without resentment.