When I was a teenager, I stumbled upon an article that claimed women in their forties experience heightened sexual desire thanks to their hormones. The writer insisted that this age group enjoyed the best sexual experiences, suggesting that women in their twenties had exciting times to look forward to. I remember thinking, sitting on my bed, that waiting twenty-four years for the best sex of my life seemed absurd—and forty felt ancient to me at the time.
Fast forward to now. Here I am at forty-two, married with kids, and I’m questioning the accuracy of that article. Despite the promises made, I find myself waiting for those supposed raging hormones to kick in, and I’m fairly certain my husband is feeling the same way.
That initial piece was just one of countless articles I’ve read that dictate how often I should be having sex. Some say seven times a week, others suggest five, and then there are those wild claims of twice a day while standing on my head. Honestly, I don’t know what to believe anymore. What I do know is this: I don’t require the level of sexual activity that magazines led me to expect in my forties.
There are times when my husband and I go through a dry spell. I’ve learned to disregard the internet’s so-called wisdom on sexual frequency. It’s simply not true that if you’re not having sex regularly, you’ll end up in a dire situation. The truth is, your body doesn’t forget—orgasms are like riding a bike, and your sexual drive doesn’t disappear just because you’ve taken a break.
Experiencing a lull in intimacy doesn’t signify that you and your partner are drifting apart or that a breakup is imminent. Life can be hectic, filled with the demands of parenting and careers, which often leaves little energy for romantic moments. You’re not neglecting your relationship; you’re still connecting through cuddles and shared affection. Sometimes, a passionate moment when the kids aren’t looking can be even more thrilling than traditional sex. Trust me on this.
I’ve come to accept that my husband may not always be in the mood when I am, and that’s perfectly normal in a long-term relationship. Sex may not always be a priority, and it’s okay if some time passes between intimate moments. Quality trumps quantity for me; I would much rather have one thrilling encounter during nap time a few times a month than force a lackluster session just because a magazine suggested we should be more active.
In a long-term partnership, especially when you’ve been together long enough to joke about anniversary gifts like dishwashers, intention and quality matter. Family life doesn’t always allow for spontaneous romance, which means that sex often requires planning and cooperation—especially when the kids are involved. And if timing doesn’t work out perfectly, exhausted parents will likely choose sleep over a forced encounter.
That said, I’m relieved to discover that forty isn’t too old for sex. I’ve forgiven the article’s author for raising my expectations unrealistically. I won’t deny that sex in my forties can be rewarding, primarily because I’ve spent years figuring out what I enjoy. I even look forward to what my fifties will bring in this aspect. And if that includes a few dry spells, I’m okay with it.
Indeed, there’s a certain excitement that builds during these breaks. While my bedroom may sometimes feel as dry as the Sahara, when the moments do come, they can be exhilarating.
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In summary, a decline in sexual activity doesn’t spell doom for your relationship. It’s a natural part of life, especially in a busy family environment. Prioritize connection and quality time over frequency, and remember that intimacy can take many forms.