We’ve all been there. We’ve all murmured it under our breath. As we gently tuck our child’s hair behind their ear or plant a kiss on their forehead, we can’t help but recoil at the thought of another parent losing their child. The mere idea is so distressing that it prompts an instinctive withdrawal. In a shared, unspoken sentiment, we often declare: I could never endure that.
I became a mother for the first time just seven months and fourteen days ago after an exhausting three-day labor. When they placed that cherubic, 9 ½-pound bundle on my chest, my entire world shifted. In the chaos of sleepless nights and tearful moments, I found it impossible to let him go, even amidst my frustrations. The depth of my love for that little boy is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
So when my dear friend’s teenage brother passed away last month, witnessing his mother’s heart-wrenching grief at the funeral made me look at my precious baby and think, in solidarity with all mothers, I could never endure that.
But almost immediately, regret washed over me.
My own parents have faced this unimaginable pain. When I was just four years old, my sister succumbed to SIDS. I grew up observing my parents navigate the depths of losing a child. I watched them slowly rediscover joy, learn to laugh again, and embrace the love I and my other sister brought into their lives. Each Halloween passed with a subdued sense of grief, marked by the anniversary of her passing. Every June, we gathered for family celebrations to honor her birthday at the park where we planted a tree in her memory.
Through those experiences, I learned that my parents, too, found a way to survive. Now, as I rock my little one to sleep, I feel my heart ache for my parents’ suffering, which I can finally begin to comprehend. Viewing their grief through the lens of a parent, rather than just as a sibling, has shifted my perspective. Instead of clinging to the belief that I could never endure such loss, I am grateful for their resilience.
When we collectively assert that we could never survive such tragedy, we inadvertently cast a shadow over those who have. What does it imply about those who have endured? They didn’t choose this path; they would relinquish any claim to survival in an instant if it meant having their child back. No parent should outlive their child, and those who do wish they hadn’t.
Surviving such loss doesn’t require a special strength or a unique quality; it doesn’t diminish their love for their child. Each day, they woke up uncertain of how they would manage, and each night, they went to bed without knowing how they continued to breathe.
It’s instinctive to shy away from these thoughts and stories, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect oneself. However, the next time you find yourself uttering that familiar phrase of protection, reconsider. It can unintentionally belittle the experiences of grieving parents, suggesting that their love was somehow less or burdening them with guilt for continuing to live.
Their grief may feel contagious, but their circumstances are not. Instead of creating distance from the horror, let’s extend our empathy to those navigating the path of survival and shower them with love. They need it now more than ever.
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Summary
In reflecting on the grief of child loss, we often express the sentiment that we could never endure such pain. However, this perspective can unintentionally minimize the experiences of those who have navigated this unimaginable journey. Rather than distancing ourselves from their grief, we should strive to empathize and support them in their struggle.