38 Simple Steps to a Successful Family Dinner

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After countless family dinners and three energetic kids, I’ve finally cracked the code to a successful family meal with just 38 straightforward steps.

1. Rush home from work, hitting just enough green lights to feel like a hero but not so fast that the local police might take notice.
2. Start preparing the chicken.
3. Discover you’re out of salt. Compensate with extra pepper.
4. Set out chicken, buns, cheese, and grilling tools for your partner outside.
5. Pull out carrots, cucumber, and lettuce for the salad.
6. Realize there’s only a quarter of a cucumber left.
7. Grumble about your partner’s late-night cocktail choices.
8. Spot croutons in the cabinet, as they can provide that desired crunch.
9. Whip up the salad.
10. Lift your toddler off the floor, where he’s thrown himself after spotting the lettuce.
11. Start negotiating with your toddler: three bites of salad earn one Popsicle.
12. Successfully bring the salad, chicken, milk, and toddler to the table.
13. Sit down and dig in.
14. Stand up to chop the chicken into smaller pieces for your toddler.
15. Get back up to fetch more ketchup for your toddler, who devoured the first serving pre-meal.
16. Ask your partner about their day.
17. Stop mid-bite to reassure your toddler that the black bits on the chicken are not pepper—they’re tiny chocolate pieces.
18. When the noise level rises and the dog starts barking, remove the pepper and cheese from the chicken; today’s cheese is clearly the enemy.
19. Sit back down and take a sip of your wine.
20. Inform your toddler that he’s not finished yet; three bites of bun dipped in ketchup does not a balanced meal make.
21. Explain that he won’t receive the promised Popsicle unless he eats three bites of salad and three bites of chicken.
22. Wait patiently while he counts on his fingers to figure out six bites.
23. Settle for five bites when he holds up five fingers, declaring he’s a genius who deserves leniency.
24. Clarify that merely licking the chicken doesn’t count as a bite.
25. Look at your partner, trying to remember if they shared anything about their day.
26. Agree with your toddler that two croutons and one carrot can equal three bites of salad.
27. Grab a wet napkin to clean up the carrot your toddler chewed and then spit on the dog’s fur.
28. Sit down and take a bite of chicken.
29. Get up again to fetch a third helping of ketchup for your toddler.
30. Yell empty threats about no Thomas the Train before bed if chicken remains uneaten.
31. Hand your toddler the iPad to keep him occupied while he finishes.
32. Take another bite of chicken, realizing now it’s cold and overly peppered.
33. Discard the food and refill your wine glass.
34. Get a Popsicle for your toddler, convincing yourself that two bites of chicken are close enough to three.
35. Ask your toddler to please put his plate in the sink.
36. Retrieve the plate from the garbage and place it in the sink.
37. Find the missing salt shaker in the trash.
38. Congratulate yourself on surviving another family meal. Only 7,143 more to go!

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In summary, managing family dinners can be a chaotic adventure filled with negotiations and surprises, but with a bit of humor and patience, you can navigate through it all!