It has taken me nearly three decades to find the words to express my anxiety. I can describe the way my skin feels prickly, how my chest constricts, and the overwhelming urge I have to control every aspect of my life.
I don’t desire to be obsessive or neurotic. I recognize that anxiety is a mental health condition. I understand that my fears and thoughts are often irrational and impractical. I know that many of the feelings I experience are absurd.
Yet, despite their irrationality, these feelings are very real to me. They are my emotions, and I often feel them with an intensity that can be overwhelming.
I find myself writing endless lists and revising them repeatedly. I meticulously plan for scenarios that will likely never occur. I maintain multiple budgets to ensure that all bills are paid and that we can afford groceries before the next paycheck arrives. I mentally rearrange my thoughts, hoping to find comfort in my own mind.
I’ve even envisioned what life would be like if I were to lose my partner. I think about where my children and I would live and how we would cope without him. No, he isn’t sick — not even remotely. My mind just races with worry and planning. It doesn’t stop with him; my anxiety extends to my parents, my sister, and even my kids.
These are the feelings I can articulate. However, when it comes to asking for help, I struggle. I wish I could convey my need for support, though I silently hope someone will notice and come to my aid.
“I’m so tired. I was awake all night again.” I toss and turn until dawn breaks, my body tense and overheated. I change my clothes, cranking the ceiling fan to the highest setting. Nothing seems to alleviate the discomfort. I try deep breathing to release some tension, but the moment my head hits the pillow, my thoughts race uncontrollably. I long to drift off to sleep, escaping the relentless cycle of anxiety and guilt.
“I’ve been feeling nauseous again.” My anxiety has intensified to the point where my stomach is constantly in turmoil.
“I could really use a night out with friends.” Please, let me have a chance to chat about my irrational thoughts over some snacks and drinks.
Then I hear the familiar phrase: “Let me know if you need anything.” I squeeze my eyes shut, tears rolling down my cheeks. In my mind, I’m shouting, “I am! This is me asking — no, begging! I need something, but I don’t even know what that is.”
“Sure, I will,” is all I can muster in response. After all, you have your own responsibilities and commitments. Honestly, I’m aware I can be overwhelming, and the thought of burdening you with my problems makes me hesitate.
But the truth is, I do need help. I just can’t find the right words to express it.
This article was originally published on December 7, 2017.
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In summary, articulating anxiety can be a daunting task, especially when it comes to seeking help. Many people experience overwhelming feelings but struggle to communicate their need for support. Understanding this challenge can foster empathy and connection among those navigating similar paths.