Dear Past Me,
Soon, you are going to receive news that you have anticipated since that ultrasound showed soft markers for Down syndrome. The moment you get that phone call, it will feel as if your world is crashing down, leaving you on the cold tiled floor of your recently rented home.
As the tears stream down your face and you struggle to articulate your feelings to your mother, memories of every negative thought you’ve had about Down syndrome will flood your mind. You will recall the time you felt uneasy around a young girl with Down syndrome at the pool, or the college party where a friend jokingly remarked that you looked like you had “downs.” You’ll remember the conversation with your mother-in-law, where you expressed admiration for her son’s ability to connect with kids with special needs, while insisting that you could never be a mother to a child with those challenges.
But guess what? You are going to be that mother. It may feel like everything is unraveling, but what you don’t realize is that this baby is about to bring everything into focus. He will challenge your deepest insecurities and transform your perspective.
When you meet the doctor, he will tell you that your son’s greatest aspiration might be to clean the floors of a fast-food restaurant. For a time, you will take this to heart, grieving in a way that feels insurmountable. Some nights, you’ll find yourself sitting on the shower floor, tears mixing with the water. Mornings will hit hardest, as the bright sun streams through the windows, reminding you that this isn’t just a nightmare.
Yet, amidst the darkness, a part of you will begin to emerge. You might not find a job utilizing your journalism skills in this small town, but you will discover new ways to use those skills to pull yourself out of despair.
You will learn about the importance of school inclusion, uncover college programs for young adults with Down syndrome, and connect with a fellow mom who will introduce you to the Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network—an organization striving to improve the experience of receiving such a diagnosis.
I wish I could take away the pain you’re feeling right now, but here’s the truth: I wouldn’t change a thing. This struggle will ignite new passions within you. You once told the stories of others; now, you have your own narrative to share. Your journey will resonate with thousands who look to you for inspiration. This pain will propel you into advocacy, leading you to volunteer, take disability courses, and contribute to meaningful change for individuals with Down syndrome and their families.
I wouldn’t erase this hurt because your son is uniquely himself, and he wouldn’t be the person he is without that extra chromosome. You will also discover who you are truly meant to be through him.
Many of your fears—about how this will impact your daughter, whether you’ll ever travel again, or if you can manage without family support—are unfounded. Life will not be easy; it will become busier with appointments, and you will feel stretched thin. But asking for help will be essential, and know that all this effort will ultimately benefit your son and help you grow.
On New Year’s Eve, you will welcome that beautiful boy with almond-shaped eyes into the world. The moment he looks into your eyes, it will feel like a profound awakening. That day, two lives will be born—his and a renewed version of yourself.
Remember, this is not the end of your journey. It’s the beginning of something new and extraordinary.
With love,
Your Future Self, Three Years Later
If you’re interested in more insights, check out our other posts about the journey of parenting and home insemination, like this one on the importance of resources for infertility. For those considering at-home options, Make a Mom offers a comprehensive guide to help you navigate your choices. And for further exploration of home insemination, visit Intracervical Insemination.
In summary, the journey after receiving a Down syndrome diagnosis is filled with challenges, growth, and unexpected joy. Embracing this new reality can lead to advocacy, community, and a deeper understanding of what it means to be a parent.