When my daughter, Lily, was just a newborn, she had this adorable habit of shaking her tiny fists while drifting off to sleep. It was one of those reflexive actions babies often exhibit—like the little jerks and startles that are part of their development. However, looking back, it was likely her first display of defiance.
From day one, she resisted everything. Whenever we attempted to place her in a baby carrier, she would stiffen her legs, determined to escape. She fussed during nursing sessions, resisted naps, and made every car ride a small battle. Sleep? That was a war zone. Despite our attempts to follow all the expert advice on infant sleep, it usually took her over an hour to finally settle down.
Standard parenting techniques seemed to miss the mark with her. As a toddler, the popular method of “redirection” was all the rage. The idea was to distract her from something potentially dangerous or frustrating. For example, “No, you can’t play with those scissors; here’s a fun toy instead!” Yet, Lily would latch onto the scissors with a focus that was unwavering. Forgetting or being easily redirected was simply not in her playbook. And it wasn’t limited to toys; she had a strong opinion about how things should unfold, articulating her thoughts as soon as she could string sentences together.
While typical parenting strategies worked well for other kids, they didn’t faze my strong-willed daughter. However, it’s important to note that she’s not a difficult child. At school, she behaves well and reserves most of her intensity for home, which I try to view as a sign of affection. Most of the time, she is an absolute joy—brilliant, articulate, and full of love.
Lily is deeply passionate about the things and people she cares for. She loves spending time with family, has a best friend she is fiercely loyal to, and dives into her favorite book series in one go. She’s shown a knack for technology, even teaching herself to create PowerPoint presentations by the age of 4 (impressive, right?).
When things go her way, she is delightful. However, when they don’t, her temper can flare up quickly. She struggles to appreciate different viewpoints, often leading to intense confrontations. Now that she’s 8, her stubbornness has become slightly easier to navigate. Each strong-willed child is unique, and there’s no universal solution, but here are some approaches that have worked for us over the years:
1. Involve Your Child in Decision-Making
When we anticipate resistance, we aim to make Lily feel like she has a say. For instance, when we implemented an allowance system, we sat down with her to discuss responsibilities. Collaboratively, we typed up a list and decided how to phrase things. While we ultimately made the final decisions, she felt involved and empowered.
2. Avoid Comparisons with Other Children
Every child is different. Some are more adaptable than others, and just because Lily is less compliant than her peers doesn’t mean we’re failing as parents. She entered the world with a determined spirit, and that’s just part of her character.
3. Recognize the Strengths of Strong-Willed Kids
These children often grow into confident, assertive adults—think future leaders, advocates, or entrepreneurs. While it can be challenging to parent a mini activist, their ability to stand firm in their beliefs is a remarkable trait.
4. Show Abundant Affection and Praise
Lily’s strong personality often masks her vulnerability. She may not always seek affection, so it’s essential for me to actively reach out to her—whether through silly wrestles or special one-on-one time. I’ve found that during her challenging moments, extra love and attention can work wonders.
5. Manage Your Own Frustration
When conflicts arise, my reactions can escalate the situation. It’s crucial to keep my emotions in check. Techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and even the occasional glass of wine have been lifesavers. Plus, it’s worth remembering that some of Lily’s stubbornness is a reflection of her parents’ traits, so a bit of empathy goes a long way.
As she approaches her tween years, I fully expect to adjust my approach yet again. My hope is that Lily will always see her parents as a safe space—a haven where she can express her pushback, explore her convictions, and work through challenges.
Like all parents, I aspire to teach my daughter how to navigate her intense feelings while ensuring she knows she is unconditionally loved for the beautiful, passionate individual she is, stubbornness and all. For more insights on parenting and home insemination, check out this resource and visit this excellent guide on fertility topics.
Summary
Parenting a strong-willed child can present unique challenges, but involving them in decision-making, avoiding comparisons, recognizing their strengths, showing affection, and managing your own emotions can help navigate this journey. Every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another, but fostering a loving environment can make all the difference.