When you welcome a baby into your life, the warnings start. You hear about postpartum depression, which impacts around 15% of new mothers. There are discussions about the baby blues, with the American Pregnancy Association noting that 70-80% of new moms experience some level of mood swings or negative feelings after giving birth. There’s also a growing awareness of postpartum anxiety, affecting about 10% of mothers. We brace ourselves for sleepless nights and feelings of being overwhelmed, nodding along to the advice.
Yet, no one prepares us for the anger.
Perhaps you felt it right from the start. Your baby was fed, changed, and cozy, yet the wailing persisted, seemingly endless. As you cradled them, an intense frustration surged within you. In that moment, it became clear how someone could harm a child. The fear and shame quickly followed, knowing your baby wasn’t trying to provoke such feelings. You would never hurt this little one, not ever.
Or maybe you managed to navigate the infancy phase, only to be blindsided by rage during the toddler years. When your child wouldn’t stop making annoying sounds or threw a tantrum over a trivial toy, something inside you snapped. The anger erupted, and you found yourself yelling, perhaps mimicking the reactions of your own parents when they lost their temper. And then came the shame, heavy and suffocating. You wished to retreat, hating that part of yourself that you never knew existed. You had always seen yourself as a calm individual.
I, too, was not an angry person—at least I wasn’t before becoming a parent. Before children came along, I seldom raised my voice, except when scolding my dogs for stealing food off my plate. Sure, certain things would irritate me, but I never experienced that level of incandescent rage until I became a parent. It would bubble up in me over something seemingly trivial, like my son’s incessant whining for more glow sticks at Target or his refusal to wear the clothes I had picked out. His perfectly normal childhood behavior, which disrupted my plans, ignited my fury.
Maybe you are one of the fortunate ones who have learned to stifle that anger. My partner, for instance, can endure a slow build-up of frustration yet maintain a patient tone, even when his anger is palpable.
But perhaps you can relate to my experience. Suddenly, you’re shouting, and as those angry words escape your lips, the realization hits you hard. You see the bewildered expressions on your children’s faces, and the shame floods back. You’ve sworn to protect them, yet here you are, the one causing them distress. If someone else treated them this way, you would instinctively defend them, but now you find yourself in the same position.
The shame that accompanies this anger runs deep. You feel like the worst parent imaginable. If you grew up in a household where yelling was the norm—like I did—you likely promised yourself that you would be different. You placed your hands on your pregnant belly, vowing never to unleash that kind of rage on your child. And yet, here you are, feeling as though you’ve failed both them and yourself. You may apologize to your kids, but it never seems sufficient.
You resolve to change. You might tell them, with their innocent eyes gazing up at you, that you will do your utmost to remain calm. You embrace them, wanting to dissolve into their small bodies and weep, knowing that you cannot predict when that anger will resurface. You understand that, for many of us—including myself—those moments of rage often happen before we even recognize the signs.
I wish I possessed limitless patience. I wish I could respond to conflicts with the gentle voice of a preschool teacher, resolving disputes and implementing discipline with kindness. Occasionally, I manage to hold it together for a few days, but inevitably, something triggers the snap. I long to embrace my emotions without shame. There are others—people I know—who experience this anger but have learned to master it. I aspire to be like them.
No one prepares us for the anger that accompanies parenting, nor do they emphasize the extraordinary patience we’ll need. We are all still learning, navigating this incredibly challenging journey. But I will continue to show up and do my best—and so will you.
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In summary, while the journey of parenting brings joy and love, it can also unleash unexpected emotions, including anger. Acknowledging these feelings, understanding their origins, and striving for patience are vital steps in this ongoing process.