Originally Published: November 20, 2017
It was meant to be a “No TV Tuesday” for my partner and me—a time to reconnect amidst the whirlwind of raising three young children. However, as holiday preparations took over our plans, we decided to shift our “No TV” day to Wednesday, allowing us to watch one of our favorite series.
This week’s episode didn’t hit us as hard as the sneak peek for the next episode. In less than 30 seconds, that brief clip stirred up deep, painful emotions, leaving us in tears. The revelation that Kate had lost her baby resonated all too well.
Fourteen months ago, we experienced our own miscarriage. Like Kate and Toby’s situation, ours was early in the pregnancy—the kind of loss that is often brushed aside as “common.” You think you’re prepared for it, which is why many choose not to announce their pregnancy right away. But the reality is that the pain is anything but easy.
Those days are etched in my memory as some of the loneliest times of our lives. We felt as though we were expected to minimize our grief, that our loss was insignificant compared to others who have faced devastating losses closer to their due dates. Yet, the heartache was profound.
During that weekend, we took turns mourning quietly. As the tears continued, I proposed we confront our feelings head-on. After genetic testing confirmed our baby was a girl, we named her after my great-great-grandmother. It was perhaps the most heart-wrenching evening we ever shared, envisioning her in heaven with shiny brown hair like her dad’s and dimples like her sister’s. We imagined her laughter with family members already there and dreamt of what it would be like to meet her someday.
We felt everything and then some.
I thought we had navigated through our grief after naming her. But that brief clip shattered the wall I’d built. We embraced, just like that night, and I realized this sorrow would always linger a bit too close.
The past year has been tumultuous. Our son’s health took a serious turn, and we came terrifyingly close to losing him as well. Last night, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and was confronted with a face I hadn’t seen in a while—swollen and red, a reminder of the emotional toll I’ve been carrying. I’m exhausted from dealing with that reflection.
This is why I can’t face this week’s episode. To the creators, I appreciate your efforts to portray real-life struggles on television. Truly, thank you. But some experiences are simply too painful to relive.
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In summary, while television can reflect our realities, sometimes the emotions evoked are too raw, too close to the surface, making it difficult to engage with those stories.