After discussing the alarming ease with which one can purchase a firearm compared to obtaining a restraining order, I anticipated some criticism. Sadly, some people believe that women should remain silent and not express their views. What I certainly didn’t expect were countless comments repeating the phrase: “A restraining order is just a piece of paper.”
Where does this harmful notion stem from? It’s a false narrative that has infiltrated our societal beliefs, similar to the misconception that Napoleon was short or the idea that touching a baby bird will lead to its abandonment by its mother.
The focus of my article was not merely about the limitations of restraining orders; it was about the stark reality that many men who have a history of domestic violence pose a significant threat, yet they are rarely held accountable. This indicates a need for stricter gun control measures, as merely checking for past convictions does little to safeguard potential victims. Yet, it seems that many chose to ignore this point and instead advocate for the idea that acquiring a firearm is the only way to ensure personal safety.
Let’s be clear: the United States is not an isolated entity. We can compare our statistics with numerous other developed nations. The numbers reflect reality, and they can guide us toward better solutions.
Although I find myself reiterating familiar arguments, the prevalence of disbelief in the validity of restraining orders deserves attention. If someone is determined to inflict harm, a piece of paper may not deter them. I understand this all too well, which is precisely why I sought to protect myself with a firearm. However, the last thing a woman facing abuse needs to hear is that seeking legal protection is futile. I shouldn’t have to arm myself as if in a war zone due to the fragile egos of those who fear losing their “right” to carry weapons.
Here’s why my restraining order was far more than mere paperwork:
- He left me alone: After one violation when he called me, I immediately reported it to the police. As a result, charges were filed against him, demonstrating that restraining orders serve a critical purpose.
- No longer a shared workplace: My employer terminated him after I obtained the restraining order. They needed the legal authority of the order to take action against him.
- My right to safety was upheld: When my ex sued me for wrongful termination and I was called to testify, I could have him removed from the courtroom due to the restraining order. I had police protection because of it, which provided a sense of security.
- Addressing victim-blaming: The common question of “Why didn’t you report it sooner?” is victim-shaming and needs to change. Documenting every incident became essential for building my case, transforming my narrative from “your word against his” to a well-supported account.
- A warning for future partners: When he exhibited troubling behavior with a new girlfriend, she discovered my restraining order while researching him. This prompted her to reach out to me, and I was able to share my experience with her, potentially protecting her and her children.
- Validation of my experiences: Standing up to my ex in court and having my fears recognized by a judge was a powerful affirmation of my truth, countering the narrative that I should feel shame.
- Facilitating future safety: With a restraining order in place, I could join a program that conceals my address, further enhancing my safety.
If you’re still with me, let’s address some common misconceptions about guns and domestic violence:
- “But if he can’t get a gun, won’t he just use his hands?” This line of thinking normalizes violence instead of challenging it. It’s crucial to find ways to prevent harm rather than justify it.
- “I’d never cower; I’d take action.” The expectation that women should be responsible for killing their abuser is both unrealistic and unfair. The burden should not fall on victims to defend themselves with lethal force.
- “What if the abuser is someone I admire?” It’s vital to separate personal feelings from the need for accountability and justice.
- “Aren’t criminals just going to obtain guns illegally?” We are discussing the context of domestic abuse, where legal access to weapons is often a factor.
- “Why do you hate America?” Traveling abroad has often made me feel safer than being in certain parts of the U.S., where gun violence is rampant.
In essence, suggesting that seeking a restraining order is pointless due to potential violence is akin to telling someone not to wear a seatbelt because they might drown if they drive into deep water. It stigmatizes victims and prioritizes the comfort of abusers over the safety of those suffering.
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In summary, a restraining order is not just a piece of paper; it’s a crucial legal tool that can protect victims from their abusers, provide validation, and help ensure safety in the face of potential violence.